Archive for January, 2010

January 26, 2010

England re-appoint Borthwick

England have re-appointed Steve Borthwick as chief scape-goat for the Six Nations Championship.

After careful consideration of his options, England manager Martin Johnson confirmed that the Saracens second row would be the first point of contact for the inevitable torrent of criticism to come.

Borthwick’s experience in the role over the past year is thought to have given him the edge over his rivals. He has lead England in internationals, losing , giving him much practise at constructing excuses and mastering all the clichés in the sporting bible.

“Steve’s experience is second to none,” Johnson said. “But more important than that, he is hugely skilful. He can do the ‘we’re just focused on ourselves’, ‘all that matters is winning’, the classic ‘we don’t read the papers’, and the straight-batted delusion, ‘I think we played well’. He can even do the ‘Scotland aren’t a bad side’. The guy is very talented.

“Also he distracts attention away from the rest of us which is key at international level. If you are going to survive in this environment you need to be subtle, run distraction and use all the diversion tactics you can.”

Former Golden Boy Jonny Wilkinson was in the frame for the post but eventually lost out to Borthwick for the black armband, which signifies the death of a career and reputation.

Following his split with Golden Boy promotions – and his decision to of his second name – they fly half’s form has spiralled down the toilet. An atrocious showing over the autumn internationals and his habitual boot-licking of the management, magnified rumours that he might be ready for the ultimate job in English rugby.

But it is thought his close links with public sentiment and England’s refusal to forget the World Cup victory in 2003 have made him wholly unsuitable for the role.

*elements of this story are fiction

January 18, 2010

Johnson to undergo eye surgery


England rugby manager Martin Johnson is to undergo laser eye surgery amid growing fears that he is suffering from acute short sightedness.

The former World Cup winning captain named his squad for the RBS Six Nations last week, which was seen by many as further evidence of his impaired vision.

His bosses at the RFU are increasingly concerned that his blinkered approach is damaging the side’s preparation for the Six Nations and their progress towards the World Cup in New Zealand in less than two years time.

“Martin spent many years in the dark depths of the ruck and staring at Phil Vickery’s fat arse, and I such images scar the eyes,” said Director of Elite Rugby Rob Andrew.

“They begin to seize up and cover over – much like the evolution of the mole. Or it could be those heavy eyebrows weighing down over his eyes. We are not sure yet.

“We are not expecting miracles, 2020 vision would be too much to hope for but we would like to see some kind of 2011 vision ahead of the World Cup.”

Experts say that Johnson has now become oblivious to fast-moving objects such as Wasps’ Danny Cipriani and bright dazzling skills such as those displayed by Northampton’s Shane Geraghty.

And Andrew is increasingly concerned.

“It is fair to say that he was never behind the wheel of the driving maul as a player but his deterioration since he began coaching has been rapid and deeply worrying,” he concluded.

* Elements of this story are entirely false.

January 11, 2010

Robinho looks for move away

Manchester City forward Robinho looks set to move this January after placing himself in the shop-window.

The Brazilian superstar, who is said to be disenchanted with life in Manchester, has been spotted by shoppers in a number of London’s high street stores showing off his skills as he attempts to secure a move away from England.

He has reportedly had stints in Harrods front window along with Selfridges and other exclusive stores in the capital. The former Real Madrid man, who fled Manchester after the latest cold snap, has been seen sporting a number of different replica shirts from Barcelona to Sydney FC – but reportedly reacted aggressively when a tried to young fan tried to pace a Manchester City shirt on the him.

One January sales shopper said: “He’s so natural. To start with I couldn’t tell the difference between him and the other manikins. When the focus was not on him, he was so stationary and static – he may as well not have been there at all. Brilliant. He has all the looks as well – moody, disconsolate, dejected – he is a natural model.”

Harrods sales assistant Steve Philips said: “It has been a pleasure to have one of the world’s most talented footballers living in one of our shop windows. It has really pulled the punters in – they have been thrilled with his samba skills and cheeky tricks, but their interest in waning. He has a nasty habit of going missing at crucial times and when we finally track him down he is making a name for himself in the accessories department.

“As much as they love watching him, in the current climate our punters want something more tangible. He may have more luck in Accessorize. Although the £30 million price tag we have attached to his big toe is not helping – its playing havoc with his ball control.

“Ultimately we had to let him go – we were having to divert all the stores heating to keep in his glass cage a constant 85.5 degrees. Anything less and he would get kranky.”

The Brazilian would appear to be maximising his exposure by posing in a range of shops from Harrods through to Tesco and Morrisons. He was last seen on Saturday morning in the Lidl superstore along with fellow Blues player Michael Johnson. Shoppers said he had perfected a new pose – sitting cross-legged, head down and hands cupped and thrust out in front of him.

* Warning this article may no be entirely accurate.

January 4, 2010

Big Freeze hits Big Four

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson is the latest of the Big Four bosses to complain his side have been adversely affected by the arctic conditions that are crippling the country at present.

The Scot, who is accustomed to a chilly reception wherever he goes, watched on in disbelief as his side froze against Leeds in the FA Cup at the weekend.

“I was so shocked,” said Ferguson. “When they went onto the pitch they were fine. But when the game started they just froze, everyone one them in front of my eyes. It was like visiting Madame Tussauds at the North Pole.”

United defender Wes Brown was due to start on the sidelines but was a late call up to the starting XI and his lack of preparation and acclimatisation was immediately apparent.

By virtually Leeds’ first attack, the United defender had been turned into a statue and Jermaine Beckford blazed past him with ease to scored Leeds’ opener.

Ferguson desperately attempted to revive his team at half time with the famed hairdryer treatment. But the intense heat from his throbbing forehead and burning brow could not thaw United’s top performers. With time running out, Ferguson unleashed his verbal flamethrower, spitting ferociously in the face of his high-paid stars. But it was to no avail. He even lit a bomb under Dimitar Berbatov, but the Russian remained motionless and they all had to be wheeled out on for the second half on trolleys.

“Who needs banana skins when conditions are this precarious? We were all ways going to slip on our arse,” said Ferguson.

It is a problem the Big Four have been afflicted by in recent months with Arsenal and Chelsea also freezing at crucial moments this season. Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal have regularly come a cropper on the road.

But the saddest story of all is Liverpool. With many of their squad more accustomed to warmer climbs, Liverpool have been caught cold on numerous occadions this season.

Early season cold snaps did irreversible damage to the club, leaving severe trauma and internal complications beyond even the best match-winning surgeons. With Rafa ‘the brain’ Benitez not functioning effectively the club considered amputation, but with two American cowboys in charge they decided to hope for a miracle. Even cosmetic surgery was beyond the cash-strapped, frost-bitten club.

And despite desperate efforts to revive the famous club, Liverpool’s season was pronounced dead just before the holiday period began. They left thousands of grieving fans and several mediocre memories.