Archive for February, 2010

February 26, 2010

PLANET SPORT: The stuff we couldn’t make up…

Tall Storrie..

Feb 10 – Portsmouth chief executive Peter Storrie tells the BBC “the club is looking in a much better position than it was a couple of months ago.”

February 26 – Portsmouth prepare to enter administration later in the day.

Collective amnesia

May 2009 – Swimming sensation Michael Phelps is pictured appearing to smoke marijuana through a bong at a student party just weeks after creating history at the Beijing Olympic Games.

February 2010 – Swimming legend Michael Phelps has became the first official Ambassador of the Youth Olympic Games.

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February 22, 2010

NEWS: Cole rallies at “hypocrites”

England star Ashley Cole has branded his critics “jealous hypocrites” after rumours the Chelsea defender has successfully broken into the American market.

Reports in yesterday’s papers allege the England left back received a warm reception down south whilst on tour in the United States last season with several fans said to be on their knees at his presence.

His employers, Chelsea, and his wife, Cheryl Cole, have desperately flirted with the Americans in the past but without success.

And Cole, without naming names, remonstrated at the double standards and moral minefield of courting the American market.

“Their all jealous,” said Cole. “I just don’t understand it.

“People should be backing me. They should be proud of my success abroad. I’m out there representing the UK and doing well for myself in such a difficult market place.”

Public sympathy, though, has swayed the way of his wife and club. Mrs Cole, who threw herself at the Americans with fellow band ‘Girls not so loud please’, is a fans’ favourite in England and rumours abound that she is to be anointed Cheryl “Countess of Chavs” in the next honours list for her work with wannabe pop stars deprived of talent.

“With massive stars like Tiger Woods out there doing his thing, with all the television coverage and exposure gets, its not easy. I was expecting some support and loyalty.”

Woods has had a monopoly on the market in recent years, showing remarkable ability to navigate some of the toughest holes out there.

But in the New Year Woods announced he would be taking time away from the game to try and spend more time pleading with his family and focusing on overcoming his abnormal addiction to the game of golf.

Like Woods, Cole enjoyed a fine start to the season, winning acclaim for his willingness to get in the box and score, both domestically and internationally.

But in recent months injuries have taken their toll on Cole’s prolificacy.

The club have reportedly fined the player £200,000 after overshadowing owner Roman Abramovich and captain John Terry, who have both excelled in foreign affairs in recent times.

But sources suggest the owner and captain were left feeling “emasculated” after Cole revelations of his conquests abroad and the sheer size of his success.

Cole, though, was defiant about his fine.

“Is that all? I’m Cashley Cole you know. I can afford five-times that,” he remonstrated before crashing his BMW into a tree.

Reports also suggest that staff at the club aided his infiltration of the American market with the communications department, kit men and physios all implicated in the efforts.

* This story is constructed from 100% fiction.

February 20, 2010

PLANET SPORT: The stuff we couldn’t make up…

Out of the Woods?

Tiger Woods today spoke publicly for the first time since the car crash that led to a series of lurid allegations about his private life.

Woods spoke of his regrets, and selfishness and his desire to change.

In his new-found wisdom and humility Woods decided to schedule his press conference apology in the middle of WGC-Accenture world match-play championship in Arizona.

The irony was not lost on Ernie Els, who described it as “selfish”. But then the tournament sponsors, Accenture, did drop Woods following the rumours of numerous affairs.

It’s not about the money: Wasps winger Paul Sackey

“I’ve made my decision now, I’ve just got to go with it and make the best out of it. I’m definitely not going for the money,” he told skysports.

“I would have stayed at Wasps for a little bit more.”

Hammer and thong

West Ham’s new co-owner David Sullivan is set to bring back the Hammerettes, the club’s raunchy cheerleaders,to Upton Park.

Where did the former pornography entrepeneur get his idea to bring back the scantily clad, flesh-flashing wonders?

February 17, 2010

TWEET OF THE WEEK: Wayne’s world

WAZZA@WAYNESWORLD.CO.UK

“Wazzap! Played some footy last night with some lads in Italy. They were big lads and well old and one of them used to play for our crew before booted him out! Anyway we kicked their arses. Col is gonna make me chips and beans to celebrate!”

February 15, 2010

NEWS: UN to probe Rome torture

The United Nations are to launch an investigation into alleged torture and human rights violations during the Six Nations clash between England and Italy in Rome on Valentine’s Day.
Allegations of torture the of thousands of fans in Rome and at home have emerged in the aftermath of the “match of rugby”.
Fans claimed to have been subjected to hours of psychological abuse by the English and Italian administrations as they were forced to watch the most tedious, spirit-sapping, life-damning game of sport the world has ever witnessed.
Experts called it “the visual equivalent of white-noise, similar to water-boarding and extreme excitement-deprivation and was consequently strictly against the Geneva Convention on Human Rights”.
Hundreds of people have complained of acute depression,  nose bleeds, narcolepsy, self-harm (one old man tore his own eyes out) and rapid aging.
In one instance a man from the Midlands claimed to have aged 52 years in the space of 60 minutes – ironically his fading eye-sight and memory loss were said to have saved his life.
Human Rights groups, such as Amnesty International, have called for immediate action and the Americans have led international condemnation with former President George W. Bush and his pit-ball pal Dick Cheney claimimg  to be “shocked and outraged at the cruelty and lack of humanity” displayed by their allies.
Sources close to UN secretary general Ban-Ki Moon have suggested he is “horrified at the early reports of mass torture”.
A UN spokeperson said: “We treat these allegations with the utmost severity and urgency.
“Rome has a history of extreme brutality with the gladitorial contests but this was really obscene.”
But the England hierarchy refuted any claims of mass torture. A high-ranking official, going by the initials “MJ”, claimed to be “satisfied” with their work in Italy and maintained they had a “clear conscious”.
While the officail’s deputy, a “Mr B”, maintained he was “pleased and proud” of his players’ work and would “take many positives” from the incident that has led to international condemnation.
The British government has said it too would probe the allegations and they are considering proposals to stock-pile resuscitators, caffeine and life-support machines ahead of England’s next Six Nations matches.
Churches, Synagogues and Mosques have reported an upsurge in visitors as rugby fans have seek answers and guidance.
February 12, 2010

PLANET SPORT: The stuff we couldn’t make up…

Sno-go for Winter Olympics?

Concerns are growing ahead of the Winter Olympics in Vancouver about the lack of snow for the quadrennial festival of slipping, sliding and skidding.

Snow has been transported in from elsewhere in an attempt to ready the area for the Games.

“Global warming of is a worry,” IOC President Jacque Rogge told AFP.

“In awarding the event to a host city, we must look at the climate and snow conditions and geography, as well as ways to alleviate any lack of snow.”

Blatter backs Terry

FIFA president Sepp Blatter gives his take on the sacking of John Terry following allegations of the defender’s affair with a team-mates girlfriend.

“Listen, this is a special approach in the Anglo-Saxon countries,” he said. “If this had happened in let’s say Latin countries then I think he would have been applauded.”

Dyer mess for West Ham

It was revealed this week that former England winger Kieron Dyer could cost West Ham a staggering £30million – having made five appearances and scored no goals in his two years at the club.

That would equate to an appearance fee of £6million a time – The Virgin Mary is available for half the price.

February 10, 2010

TWEET OF THE WEEK: Premsuperstar

anon@premsuperstar.com:

“Great win at the weekend. Can’t talk long, though, important affairs to tend to… Candice, Chantelle and Shanice today. Lucky the wife’s in Spain.”

February 8, 2010

America on alert after Super Bowl high-jack

Fans across the world watched in astonishment and horror last night as the USA’s annual “We love America” extravaganza descended into chaos as hundreds of men stormed the arena and a mass brawl broke out.

Angry and aggressive young men, claiming ironically to be “Saints”, invaded the main arena and brought havoc to the yearly festival, which celebrates all that is great about the great nation (from shameless commercialism to sob-story talent shows, military might, undistinguished celebrities and the pursuit of heart disease through extreme over-eating)

Analysts are describing it as ‘the greatest national security breach in living memory’. President Obamarama was in talks with advisors in the Whitehouse last night as they considered an ‘appropriate response’.

Sources insist a ‘military option’ has not been ruled out and an attack on a smaller nation in order to re-establish play-ground status and street cred remains a possibility.

The ‘stunt’ is thought to have been timed to cause maximum embarrassment with nations around the world tuned into to watch the sole remaining super-power wallow in national pride and raise money for the bankers and corporate types who have endured such a tough year. The motives of the “Saints” remain unknown, but their claim to be “playing football” was immediately exposed as they used their hands, not feet, to control the ball.

It is thought the anarchists fooled security staff by posing as part of the Parade of Power fashion show – one rebel dubbed himself a ‘special team choreographer’. They were waved into the arena wearing leggings, and extreme shoulder pads, which are set to be all the rage this spring. Fashion industry insiders said the real genius of their disguise was the golden helmets that were interpreted as a new take on a classical classic recycled from Roman times.

Security staff managed to clear the arena briefly for the main event – a gig by The Who followed by a marathon of adverts – but the men invaded the arena a second time after having a break for refreshments, including cocktails said to enhance performance.

US jets flew over the scene but it was deemed too dangerous to launch a strategic airstrike.

The stadium crowd was said to be ‘stuck to their seats’ with new narrow streamline design to blame for their inability to wiggle free from their seats. Many of the onlookers yelled abuse at the intruders but refused to become involved in the brawl until they had finished their hot dogs and pizza.

The men, all three thousand of them, are now at large and said to be ‘extremely dangerous’.

* Warning: this account of events is entirely fictitious and has no basis in reality.

February 5, 2010

PLANET SPORT: The stuff we couldn’t make up…

POMPEY’S NEW OWNERS…

Portsmouth have a new owner again and he wants nothing to do with the club.

Despite taking control of Portsmouth, Hong Kong-based businessman Balram Chainrai insists he has no interest in running the cash-strapped club.

”I have zero interest in buying Portsmouth and it’s completely untrue that I am the new owner of the club,” Chainrai told the South China Morning Post. ”As far as I am concerned, I have just confiscated the shares of the previous owners.

”It’s nothing to do with controlling the club. I don’t know anything about running a football club. I just love the game and that’s why I’ve taken this action. We have exercised our right to take control of the shares, and to remove the previous owners.”

May be not the most typical of rallying cries from a new owner.

But then as recent Portsmouth owners go, it is hardly bucking the trend.

TOGO BANNED…

Following the horrific attack on their team bus in the run up to the African Nations Cup Togo have been banned for the next two tournaments and fined $50,000 for withdrawing from this year’s competition.

The fact that a Togo assistant coach and press officer were killed and several players injured in the ambush by rebels in the Angolan province of Cabinda does not seem to extend to exceptional circumstances.

Confederation of African Football (CAF) have judged that because the Togolese government ordered the team home they were in contravention of regulations that banned political authorities from intervening in such matters.

February 3, 2010

TWEET OF THE WEEK: PremSuperStar

anon@premsuperstar.org.ie

Damn snow was back last week! How’s a gaziollionaire footballer with shit loads of free-time supposed to keep his New Year’s resolution when there is white stuff everywhere you look? In the end couldn’t resist shooting down a few runs – lucky the kids were distracted by the snow.”