England turn to Sir Cliff after Terry scandal

Sir Cliff Richard will lead the team to the World Cup in South Africa this summer after being unveiled as the new England football captain.

The 92-year-old forever-young Richard, who will be aided by first mate Tim Henman, was appointed to the role after John Terry was stripped of the captaincy following allegation of having sex in private.

Archbishop Rupert Murdoch, from the Department for the Enforcement of Moral Standards – also known as the New Of The World – revealed the allegations of Terry’s affair with French model Vanessa Perroncel at a sermon on Sunday morning.

Miss Perrocncel admitted Terry’s positions had become untenable and that was the reason for the end of the affair.

The revelations led to indignation and outrage from bankers, MPs, lager-louts and ravenous tabloid page-turners alike, who have taken offence at the ‘arrogance’, ‘lying’, ‘cheating’, ‘manipulation’, ‘sordid gossip’ and ‘apparent lack of remorse’.

The FA had hoped to promote one of England’s current squad but after long discussions with various candidates it was revealed that they all lacked the ‘moral authority’ and ‘fortitude’ to lead this nation’s missionary efforts in South Africa this summer.

Coach Fabio Capello uncovered allegations of bar brawls, affairs, cheating and even the soliciting of services for commercial gain in various players’ pasts.

“In the end we had very little choice,” a source from on high stressed. “Gary Lineker’s name did crop up – he was never booked during his career. But then we discovered he has been divorced and is on his second marriage.

“Whatever happened to the Corinthian spirit?

“This behaviour would be fine for a pre-season tour of Ibiza but this is the World Cup and the world will be watching our conduct.

“To send a team with their record would be to mar and sully the reputation of the fine young men of this country who know nothing but sobriety and infidelity. Think of the children, for pity’s sake think of the children!

“Cheating, scoring away from home and just taking what they want. Is that the behaviour we want from our boys when they go abroad?”

“Sir Cliff is the ideal person to restore national pride. Just look at what he has done with tennis. After his appointment as high priest and moral leader of tennis culture, we have enjoyed nothing but naivety feel-good . Sure we haven’t won anything but we have been morally cleansed as a nation.”

Sir Cliff will announce his World Cup squad a month prior to the tournament with rumours of a call up for ‘ Jonny ‘Wonderboy’ Wilkinson.

*This story is entirely fictitious

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