NEWS: UN to probe Rome torture

The United Nations are to launch an investigation into alleged torture and human rights violations during the Six Nations clash between England and Italy in Rome on Valentine’s Day.
Allegations of torture the of thousands of fans in Rome and at home have emerged in the aftermath of the “match of rugby”.
Fans claimed to have been subjected to hours of psychological abuse by the English and Italian administrations as they were forced to watch the most tedious, spirit-sapping, life-damning game of sport the world has ever witnessed.
Experts called it “the visual equivalent of white-noise, similar to water-boarding and extreme excitement-deprivation and was consequently strictly against the Geneva Convention on Human Rights”.
Hundreds of people have complained of acute depression,  nose bleeds, narcolepsy, self-harm (one old man tore his own eyes out) and rapid aging.
In one instance a man from the Midlands claimed to have aged 52 years in the space of 60 minutes – ironically his fading eye-sight and memory loss were said to have saved his life.
Human Rights groups, such as Amnesty International, have called for immediate action and the Americans have led international condemnation with former President George W. Bush and his pit-ball pal Dick Cheney claimimg  to be “shocked and outraged at the cruelty and lack of humanity” displayed by their allies.
Sources close to UN secretary general Ban-Ki Moon have suggested he is “horrified at the early reports of mass torture”.
A UN spokeperson said: “We treat these allegations with the utmost severity and urgency.
“Rome has a history of extreme brutality with the gladitorial contests but this was really obscene.”
But the England hierarchy refuted any claims of mass torture. A high-ranking official, going by the initials “MJ”, claimed to be “satisfied” with their work in Italy and maintained they had a “clear conscious”.
While the officail’s deputy, a “Mr B”, maintained he was “pleased and proud” of his players’ work and would “take many positives” from the incident that has led to international condemnation.
The British government has said it too would probe the allegations and they are considering proposals to stock-pile resuscitators, caffeine and life-support machines ahead of England’s next Six Nations matches.
Churches, Synagogues and Mosques have reported an upsurge in visitors as rugby fans have seek answers and guidance.

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