NEWS: Cole rallies at “hypocrites”

England star Ashley Cole has branded his critics “jealous hypocrites” after rumours the Chelsea defender has successfully broken into the American market.

Reports in yesterday’s papers allege the England left back received a warm reception down south whilst on tour in the United States last season with several fans said to be on their knees at his presence.

His employers, Chelsea, and his wife, Cheryl Cole, have desperately flirted with the Americans in the past but without success.

And Cole, without naming names, remonstrated at the double standards and moral minefield of courting the American market.

“Their all jealous,” said Cole. “I just don’t understand it.

“People should be backing me. They should be proud of my success abroad. I’m out there representing the UK and doing well for myself in such a difficult market place.”

Public sympathy, though, has swayed the way of his wife and club. Mrs Cole, who threw herself at the Americans with fellow band ‘Girls not so loud please’, is a fans’ favourite in England and rumours abound that she is to be anointed Cheryl “Countess of Chavs” in the next honours list for her work with wannabe pop stars deprived of talent.

“With massive stars like Tiger Woods out there doing his thing, with all the television coverage and exposure gets, its not easy. I was expecting some support and loyalty.”

Woods has had a monopoly on the market in recent years, showing remarkable ability to navigate some of the toughest holes out there.

But in the New Year Woods announced he would be taking time away from the game to try and spend more time pleading with his family and focusing on overcoming his abnormal addiction to the game of golf.

Like Woods, Cole enjoyed a fine start to the season, winning acclaim for his willingness to get in the box and score, both domestically and internationally.

But in recent months injuries have taken their toll on Cole’s prolificacy.

The club have reportedly fined the player £200,000 after overshadowing owner Roman Abramovich and captain John Terry, who have both excelled in foreign affairs in recent times.

But sources suggest the owner and captain were left feeling “emasculated” after Cole revelations of his conquests abroad and the sheer size of his success.

Cole, though, was defiant about his fine.

“Is that all? I’m Cashley Cole you know. I can afford five-times that,” he remonstrated before crashing his BMW into a tree.

Reports also suggest that staff at the club aided his infiltration of the American market with the communications department, kit men and physios all implicated in the efforts.

* This story is constructed from 100% fiction.

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