Archive for March, 2010

March 29, 2010

Rooney: It really is this easy

Manchester United and England star Wayne Rooney has denied rumours that his formidable form this season is down to hard work and dedication, insisting ‘it really is just a piece of piss’.

The 24-year-old striker has been in top form this season – scoring a shit-load of goals and being touted as one of the finest players in the world.

But asked if his was down to hours of hard work, dedication and commitment on the training ground, Rooney said: “No. It really is just a piece of piss.

“I get up late, have a fry-up, rock up to training mid-morning, play a bit of world cup willy, grab some chips and beans from the canteen and go home to have a nap in front of Neighbours and Home and Away.

“In the afternoon I play Pro Ev and Champ manager before Coleen comes home to make my tea.

“Saturdays are a bit different. I get to have a longer lie-in, then its off to Old Trafford for a 90-minute kick-about. I’ll score a hat-trick or so, practise my goal celebrations, try and burn off my mid-morning pizza and take the match ball home whilst tens of thousands of people chant my name and shower praise upon me.

“It’s that easy. I don’t know what all the fuss is about.”

Asked about the influence of his team-mates and whether his success was merely a product of their skill and selflessness, Rooney responded: “Not really. I could do it on my own and frequently have this season.

“Ronaldo did it last season and when he left the gaffer made us draw straws to see who would have to carry the team this season and be the star player who everyone focuses on and hails as some kind of Messiah. Turned out, it was me.”

Rooney’ manager at club level, Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson, denied that the coaches had any ifluence on the players development.

“No its all down to him,” Ferguson said. “He has a god-given talent and no matter what we tell him, we cannot ruin that.”

“I would like to say that it is all down to hard work, drive, determination and passion. But its not. it down to luck.

“And I would say to any young player out there who thinks that hard work and dedication on the training ground can reap its reward on the pitch – don’t bother, don’t waste your time. You either have it or you don’t and if you have to think about whether you have it, you don’t have it.”

* This story is constructed almost entirely from fiction – guaranteed!

March 26, 2010

Hamilton stung: “I didn’t have the pace”

Lewis Hamilton says he is deeply embarrassed after the Formula One racing star failed to escape from police in Australia –  ‘I got the race strategy all wrong and just did not have the pace’ he conceded.

Hamilton was spotted ‘spinning his wheels and fishtailing’ his 2010 silver Mercedes on Friday morning.

But he was not quick enough to elude the Victoria Police, who swooped on their BMXs and roller blades to scupper Hamilton’s get away.

Hamilton’s car was impounded – raising doubts over his participation in a Grand Prix race over the weekend – and forcing him to consider using a rental car in Sunday’s race.

And Hamilton conceded that his team had got their strategy and tactics all wrong.

“We got it wrong big time,” Hamilton admitted. “We are used to planning for more long distance races. And we had prepared a race scenario based on a long chase across the Australia outback – may be along the coast road from Melbourne to Perth.

“It was going to look well cool with helicopters and shit. Just like in the movies.

“Think a modern Thelma and Louise – or may be the Jenson and Lewis.

“But we were just not prepared for that kind of sting. The fuel load was too heavy and the tyres did not get enough traction.

“It was a disaster and I just did not have the acceleration or pace to match the cops on their bikes. And when I stalled, after slowing down at the Kangaroo crossing, it was all over.

“The whole incident is very embarrassing, I am supposed to be the fastest man on four wheels, and formula one world champion, but I was outpaced and caught by cops on BMXs.

“I can only apologise to my fans and endeavour to rebuild my daredevil reputation.”

Hamilton could face charges of failing to push a seriously fast car to its maximum.

* This story is constructed from fiction.

March 23, 2010

England rugby ‘almost got lucky’ on Saturday night

England Rugby went into work this morning boasting that it ‘almost got lucky’ on Saturday night.

‘Rugga’, who has not actually got lucky since the ‘special’ summer of 2003, received a rapturous reception from supporters and critics alike after a night of flirting with success in Paris, no less, over the weekend.

Reports suggest the evening began as ominously as most – he was spotted drunkenly staggering around the dance floor with a lack of cohesion, flair and gameplan, despite the meticulous preparation and long build up period.

But as the evening went on he picked up his game and showed signs of abandoning his defensive approach.

Eye witnesses reported several awkward ‘gropes’ and as the night progressed some ‘very serious flirting’ with success.

And although the night ended with a stinging slap in the face from a Frenchman, who had seen his rival staring at his prize, ‘Rugga’ was satisfied with his much ‘improved performance’.

“It was all so close, I came within touching distance,” he said. “But this has definitely given me the belief that I can go on and may be repeat my success of 2003.”

Though, critics are anxious to see if he continues to stagger from near triumph to total disaster over the summer.

March 19, 2010

Benitez ignores accusations of ignoring people

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez is refusing to comment on accusations by squad member Albert Riera that he is ‘uncommunicative’.

Riera, a flakey winger signed for £8million from Espanyol, was suspended by the club after critising the Liverpool manager for leaving him out of the team and then refusing to talk to him – ever again.

Asked if he was distant and aloof, Benitez shrugged his shoulders, raised his eyebrows and walked away to his private ivory tower.

Riera, visibly distraught at Benitez’s treatment of him, revealed that the Liverpool boss ‘never called anymore’, ‘rarely saw him’ and often ‘dropped him by text’ – sometimes in preference of Ryan Babel.

“It was so hurtful,” he said. “He just began to ignore me, no words of encouragement, no ‘wow that was amazing’ Alberto, no ‘you’re better than Ronaldo’, no ‘you’re the greatest player I’ve ever seen’ – nothing. He just said nothing to me.”

Later allies of Benitez rallied in his support of the world famous Liverpool manager and stressed that he is ‘simply a shy soul’.

Riera is now suspended from all first-team activities including team-bonding sessions until next week – though it remains unclear when the ban actually began.

And with so much free time now in his calendar, Riera has indicated that he is considering taking up football.

The tall and slender Spaniard admitted that he had never had time for hobbies with his hectic schedule of sitting in stands up and down the country during the weekends and acting as a goal post during weekday training sessions – his absence has left Liverpool with a massive void and are said to be searching for a player to act as a left upright alongside right upright Ryan Babel and cross bar David Ngog.

And Riera is now thinking of in ‘some kind of weekend football – may be in some kind of league’.

* Elements of this story are entire fiction

March 15, 2010

Lazarus: No hope for my mate Becks

David Beckham’s close personal friend and so-called ‘resurrection guru’ Lazarus of Bethany has admitted the England footballer has ‘not a chance in hell’ of playing at the 2010 World Cup.

As an ancient man renowned for his ability to defy the perils of time, Beckham looked destined to go to the World Cup as part of Fabio Capello’s England squad this summer.

But the long-term protégé of Lazarus, ruptured his Achilles tendon whilst playing for AC Milan against Chievo in Italy at the weekend, all but ending his hopes of playing in his fourth World Cup and his career.

Lazarus – who famously overcame from a severe bout of death to play in a local five-a-side tournament with the village elders four days later more than 2000 years ago – flew out to Milan from his base in the Holy Lands on Sunday night.

He consoled his close friend and offer advice on recovery and resurrection techniques, including the latest technology being developed by NASA.

But hours later the self-styled survival expert emerged inconsolable before delivering the devastating blow for England and Beckham fans around the globe.

“We tried our best,” Lazarus said. “But it was immediately apparent that there was absolutely no hope whatsoever, not a cat’s chance in hell. Seriously it was all over. Not even I could come back from that.

“And we can confirm that at 23.13 David Beckham’s career passed away.”

Lazarus, whose adventures and achievements were chronicled in the bible, insisted he had consulted ‘all his contacts including those with divine powers’ in hope of saving Beckham – but it was to no avail.

The England midfielder enjoyed a hugely successful career with the accumulation of millions of pounds and the odd pot or cup.

His association with Lazarus began after he was famously hanged at every in stadium in the land in a show of public dissatisfaction at his ill-time red card against Argentina in the 1998 World Cup.

But Beckham recovered strongly to lead Manchester United to the treble that year. His natural flair for resurrection and reinvention gained plaudits from religious fanatics, politicians and celebrities around the world – including the Pope, Peter Mandelson and Madonna.

After Beckham’s demise, speculation is now suggesting Lazarus’ career could be over.

He has worked with AC Milan for a number of years and is also a close personal friend of former Italian left-back Paolo Maldini.

But the resurrection guru has come under increasing pressure in recent years with the death of a number careers and his inability to rehabilitate Brazilian Ronaldinho.

March 12, 2010

NEWS: Foreign stars flee as Pulis says its crunch time

Stoke manager Tony Pulis has told his players it is “crunch time of the season” – prompting fears of a mass exodus of foreign stars from the Premier League.

With two months of the season left Pulis, whose side specialise in a scrap, is calling on his players to intensify their efforts to avoid relegation.

But the Premier League fear his declaration of intent will lead to foreign stars fleeing the country. Security staff are on alert at all major airports, sea ports and railway stations with a deluge of fragile foreign footballers expected in the coming days.

Stoke face top-four chasing Aston Villa on Saturday and there are calls from Premier League managers to crackdown on their signature move ‘the smash and grab’.

Pullis denied his call to arms represented a genuine call to arms, instead insisting there were no overtly physical or aggressive connotation to his cliché statement.

* This story is manufactured from 100% fiction.

March 10, 2010



“People are asking why we are not at least trialling or experimenting with video goalline technology. Well, we refuse to trial it in a big game until it is proven to be 100% accurate in a big game.  Anything less would be madness. Sepp out.”


“Its true. I am in a rough patch – but that is no excuse for my poor form. The truth is I am going through a identity crisis. I am riddled with anxiety, cannot sleep and cannot think straight. Recently I have even begun to think that I…that I may be human. I am going to see a specialist, his name is Jose.”


“Awesome news! FIFA are to ban video replays. My dreams have been…What? No. No.”

March 8, 2010

NEWS: English tennis in crisis as middle class threaten boycott

English middle classes are threatening to withdraw their support for British tennis after the team’s humiliating defeat in the Davis Cup.

The 1,320 tennis fans in Britain cut–short their skiing holidays in France, Germany and Canada as the inquest into the defeat to Lithuania gathers pace.

And they are now warning tennis chiefs that they will withdraw their two-week passing interest in the game.

The loss of support could have a devastating effect on the game in Britain leading to fears that it will be downgraded from a sport to a ‘pastime’ or even a ‘leisure activity’.

“For two weeks every year we are cheer, shout and eat strawberries like the common fan,” said a spokeswoman.

“We are no fair weather fans. Our support is total and unequivocal in those two weeks of peak summer.”

Meanwhile, the Lawn Tennis Association defended its £40million a year was providing great value for money.

* This story is constructed almost entirely from fiction.

March 5, 2010

PLANET SPORT: The stuff we couldn’t make up…

Fools’ Gold?

April 2009 – Birmingham co-owner David Gold tells the Guardain: “To have an impact in these difficult economic times we need to reduce ticket prices by 50%. This couldn’t be done overnight as all clubs have contracted expenditures and overheads they need to see through, but it could perhaps be introduced for the start of the 2010-11 season and be carried out incrementally at roughly 17% per season for three seasons. Based on past experience, I genuinely believe this would eventually result in crowds rising by at least a quarter, maybe more.”

October 2009 – Gold tells Radio 5 live: “The model for reducing prices doesn’t work. In the event that you cut your prices in half you don’t double your attendance. Fans will love him (new owner Carson Yeung if he reduces ticket prices) but he will get relegated because it doesn’t work.” He added: “Often fans say if you cut your prices you will fill the stadium – it is not true.”
January 2010 – Gold, now West Ham co-owner, tells the Telegraphy: “If Man United are paying £50 million a year in interest, if they didn’t have that debt, then they could use that £50 million to reduce ticket prices.”
March 2010 – Gold tells the BBC that he would love to reduce ticket prices for the fans but – despite being co-owner of West Ham and responsible amongst other things the ticket prices at his club – it is not his responsibility to set entry prices, maintaining the Premier League should be leading the way.

Red Knights or Red Devils?
A group of “City experts” are planning to buy Manchester United and save the club from owners the Glazers.
Among the group are:
Paul Marshall – co-founded of hedge fund Marshall Wace. According to the Independent, the hedge fund “hit the headlines selling short the shares of the struggling Halifax Bank of Scotland and Northern Rock, and then in front of MPs defended the hedge fund industry and short sellingMPs defending .
Jim O’Neill – chief strategist at Goldman Sachs. “Think massive bonuses for staff only a year after the global banking bailout, think advice to Greece on how to circumvent EU borrowing rules, think investment bank famously dubbed as a ‘great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity’,” says the Independent.
March 1, 2010

News: Rooney reveals secret behind form

Manchester United and England forward Wayne Rooney has revealed the secret behind his supreme run of form this season – he has learnt how to count to ten.

The 23-year-old striker insists his high-profile disciplinary problems are now in the past after seeing a specialist who has taught him the numbers from six to ten – thus allowing him to control his temper.

“The gaffer kept telling me to count to 10 when someone annoyed me on the pitch, and I tried so hard,” Rooney confessed.

“But when I got up to seven, I didn’t know what came next. Was it nine, ten, seventeen? It made me so f**king mad! I just had to stamp on someone’s balls or kick them in the crotch.

“Then one day, the gaffer sat me down with my agent, close family and hangers-on and said I had a problem and that I needed to see someone… professionally. I told them I’m no head case and there was no need. But he insisted and he set me up with an edulacationalist who specialises in numbers and stuff.

“I see him once a week and we go over things, work on my counting, and stuff and its good.

“He’s shown me some great te.. tec.. techni… he’s shown me some cool stuff like using your fingers and toes to count. It’s hard though, when you’re playing cos, you cant see your toes. And that’s why I don’t use gloves anymore. I’m not stupid.”

Rooney also credits fatherhood – his wife Coleen gave birth to a human baby last year, which led to speculation and allegations in the national press – for giving him a new level of maturity and greater perspective on life.

“I’m loving being a father. Coleen keeps complaining about all the burping, dribbling and fixation with her breasts but I’m getting better – I have to now, I’m a dad after all.”

* This story is manufactured from 100% fiction