Rooney: It really is this easy

Manchester United and England star Wayne Rooney has denied rumours that his formidable form this season is down to hard work and dedication, insisting ‘it really is just a piece of piss’.

The 24-year-old striker has been in top form this season – scoring a shit-load of goals and being touted as one of the finest players in the world.

But asked if his was down to hours of hard work, dedication and commitment on the training ground, Rooney said: “No. It really is just a piece of piss.

“I get up late, have a fry-up, rock up to training mid-morning, play a bit of world cup willy, grab some chips and beans from the canteen and go home to have a nap in front of Neighbours and Home and Away.

“In the afternoon I play Pro Ev and Champ manager before Coleen comes home to make my tea.

“Saturdays are a bit different. I get to have a longer lie-in, then its off to Old Trafford for a 90-minute kick-about. I’ll score a hat-trick or so, practise my goal celebrations, try and burn off my mid-morning pizza and take the match ball home whilst tens of thousands of people chant my name and shower praise upon me.

“It’s that easy. I don’t know what all the fuss is about.”

Asked about the influence of his team-mates and whether his success was merely a product of their skill and selflessness, Rooney responded: “Not really. I could do it on my own and frequently have this season.

“Ronaldo did it last season and when he left the gaffer made us draw straws to see who would have to carry the team this season and be the star player who everyone focuses on and hails as some kind of Messiah. Turned out, it was me.”

Rooney’ manager at club level, Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson, denied that the coaches had any ifluence on the players development.

“No its all down to him,” Ferguson said. “He has a god-given talent and no matter what we tell him, we cannot ruin that.”

“I would like to say that it is all down to hard work, drive, determination and passion. But its not. it down to luck.

“And I would say to any young player out there who thinks that hard work and dedication on the training ground can reap its reward on the pitch – don’t bother, don’t waste your time. You either have it or you don’t and if you have to think about whether you have it, you don’t have it.”

* This story is constructed almost entirely from fiction – guaranteed!

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