Students still penniless after Boat Race

Crushed: Cambridge are told it was all for literally nothing.

The sporting community is in shock this morning after it emerged Cambridge failed to secure mega-cash deals prior to their victory in the Boat Race on Saturday – leaving the penniless students, penniless.

Stars from the football, rugby, tennis and golf watched on in shock and disbelief as crews from Cambridge and Oxford universities flogged themselves to the brink of exhaustion all in the name of “sport and tradition” with no financial remuneration or life-changing riches.

The ‘highly intelligent’ Oxbridge students failed to secure signing-on fees, endorsements, mega-cash contracts, win bonuses or even image rights for the event, which attracted much newspaper exposure and television coverage.

Many leading commentators put it down to ‘a student dare that went tragically wrong’.

“Its unbelievable in this day and age,” super agent Max Mullah of Peak In Moment Promotions (or P.I.M.P) told Sporting Balls.

“They are so naïve. I know they are still studying but they have a lot to learn when it comes to fleecing the world for what its got.

“Its just so amateurish and so 20th century. That whole self-less pursuit of a common goal and sense of an almost transcendental fulfilment through sacrifice, struggle and ultimate conquest – its all just so 1902. And thank god for that.”

The victorious rowers were furious at the oversight and immediately on their phones to their agents demanding answers – with many threatening to form a break-away race next year.

It is thought the race could be staged around the Cape of Good Hope to tap in to the global market and add more life-or-death drama to proceedings.

Although, two rowers admitted they were unconcerned by the controversy – insisting they had secured a huge amount of stash.

“We did it for the stash not the cash. And we got some well cool stuff,” said Hugo Chump. “We got new Wellington boots, new macs and new lyrcas – I’d been slipping into the same one since I was 12. My mum is gonna love it.

“I haven’t been able to afford new kit since I went up to seven meals a day during training.”

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