Duckworth: I’m nothing without Lewis

Duckworth and Lewis in their younger years

Hugo Ponsford Chief sports writer in Guyana

Cricketers Freddie Duckworth and Tim Lewis look set to slug it out for the prestigious player of the tournament award as they continue to dominate the World Twenty20 Cup in the Caribbean.

The famous double act have been on fire during the tournament with their specialised ‘method’  deciding most of the games, including England’s two opening matches against West Indies and Ireland.

And, although their success in the Caribbean looks set to pit the tow great friends against each other for the player of the tournament award, Duckworth insists nothing could fracture their ‘special relationship’.

“I’m nothing without Lewis,” said Duckworth. “He’s an amazing guy.

“Our success is all about working together and the partnership that we have developed over the years. It is as strong as ever.

“And to think that it could have all been so different if Lewis hadn’t Wainthrop left for me.”

Their form in the Caribbean marks a sensational return to the top of the game for the veteran duo, who must have thought their best days were behind them.

But the uncertain atmospheric conditions in the Caribbean with constant rainfall, most notably in Guyana,have more than suited the pair.

“It feels great to be back,” said an emotional Lewis. “We’ve been through some tough times but as we always say every cloud…”

Their ‘method’ of deciding the outcomes of games has always been controversial with some labeling it ‘revolutionary’ and others ‘beyond reason’.

But Duckworth refuted claims their method simply involved confusing the fuck out of people so that they would give up (through sheer boredom or suicide) and accept whatever result is decided by a coin toss.

“It’s very simple,” said Duckworth. “What we do is take the first team’s score times it by Pi, then take R – square it as always! – multiply the differential by a the number of wickets the team lost, divide it by the power of 6.18341. Add 93 then minus 94 before finding the square root of that number and squaring it. Then take that number and add two. It really is that simple!”

Duckworth and Lewis are the last remaining exponents of the art and only people capable of making those calculations – following the death of Einstein and the kid from Good Will Hunting.

Their prolific form in the Caribbean, though, has led to critics suggesting that their appearances for different sides – and winning matches for different side – throughout the tournament constitutes a breach of the rules.

But the pair – and more importantly the ICC – are satisfied that it is within the laws.

“Look at Eoin Morgan – he was playing for Ireland last time round and now he’s playing for England against Ireland,” Lewis pointed out.

“And he’s not the only one. England have all those guys from South Africa in their team. We are certainly not the worst offenders.”

* This story was constructed from 100% pure fiction.


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