Don Fabio speaks: This is what you get with PR

 

  

   

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent  

England manager Don Fabio Capello has blamed the new selection system of ‘proportional representation’ for the presence of several OAPs, numerous invalids, a Sunderland player and a Portsmouth player in his World Cup squad. 

The England manager finally revealed his provisional 30-man squad for the World Cup in South Africa last night after hours of intense negotiation. 

The outcome was places in the squad for a 39-year-old geriatric goalkeeper, David James, a staunch scouser with anti-nationalist tendancies, Jamie Carragher, a disabled defender, Ledley King, and a Sunderland striker, Darren Bent. 

But Don Fabio, known as a hard-line disciplinarian, has remained true to his ideology to form a right-leaning alliance – with no left wingers in the coalition.  

“This is what you get under a PR system,” said Don Fabio. 

“(untranslatable Italian ridden with expletives). We have to make do.” 

With no left wingers selected in the squad, the centre seeking Steven Gerrard will be asked to masquarade as a left-side presence with Ashley Cole giving him some support. 

The squad is littered with right wingers with Theo Walcott, Aaron Lennon, Shaun Wright-Phillips and even left-footed Adam Johnston all underlining their preference for that role. 

Sources said Don Fabio was much aggrieved, and slightly embarrassed, to have to give representation to minor parties such as Portsmouth and Sunderland. 

But in a major coup Don Fabio confirmed the that Florence Nightingale will travel with the squad to nurse King through the tournament. 

England unveil plan to get 90 minutes from Ledley King

Nightingale, who was thought to have died ages ago, has in fact been working ‘minor miracles’ as team medic for the Sparta Prague. 

The England camp also confirmed that she had been researching and specialising in metatarsal injuries over the past few years in preparation for the country’s bid to lift the World Cup. 

Only when Nightingale’s presence was confirmed did King get the nod. 

Don Fabio also revealed that he attempted to lure Bobby Charlton out of retirement only for the former England midfielder to reject the offer.
 

* This story was constructed from 100% of the dodgiest fiction 

 

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