FA hail ‘biggest bandwagon ever’

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Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

The Football Association believe they are on course to construct the ‘biggest bandwagon’ ever seen in British pop culture as millions declare their sudden and life-long devotion to English football.

With just five to go before England’s opening game in the World Cup against the United States of America, flyby fans are jumping on the bandwagon with all the fleeting enthusiasm they can muster.

Support for the national team has enjoyed a dramatic surge in recent days after the finale to Britain’s Got Talent left millions of lives ‘empty and without meaning’.

In a phenomenon sweeping the nation, people with little or no interest in football are analysing England’s chances, delivering withering verdicts on David James and preaching to co-workers about the “virtues of the 4-2-3-1 formation or is that 4-2-3-2”.

Some of the evidence for the new craze include St. George’s flags are everywhere, World Cup paraphernalia adorn shop windows and of sickening over-exposure of James Corden.

An FA spokesperson confirmed: “It’s going to be massive, truly the biggest bandwagon constructed for a event. It’s set to eclipse the Pokemon craze, the X-Factor infatuation and even the Big Brother obsession.”

Psychologists say some of these ‘fans’ are simply seeking a quick fix of communal revelry while others are looking for deeper long-term social acceptance.

“It’s ok, not say you don’t like football,” said Dr Stein. “Even if you’re a bloke. Studies have proven that it does not mean you’re gay or are not a proper man.”

However, many fans deny there is anything fake or vain about their sudden fascination with the game.

“I’ve been the biggest football fan all my life,” said one fan. “I just haven’t really been able to attend any matches what with work…. or watch them on the TV what with the power cut since 1972.

“I just can’t wait to watch Ronaldinho, Zidane, Robin and Benicio Del Torro play in South Africa.

“Some idiot tried to say North Korea and New Zealand were playing in the World Cup – but I know my football.”

The FA had feared that injuries to Rio Ferdinand and Gareth Barry would dissipate the anticipation surrounding the squad.

But, in fact, it has simply increased the hype by empowering flyby fans with something to say. Radio shows are now preparing to field calls from ‘ranting morons who have little understanding or appreciation for the game’.

The FA have released some guidelines for those wishing to join the bandwagon:

Do not ask – Why don’t they play Peter Crouch in goal, he’s got such long arms and legs?

– Has Rooney’s metatarsal healed yet?

– Whatever happened to the brusher up role?

* This story is constructed from fiction.

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