Posts tagged ‘Arsenal’

May 19, 2010

Fabregas fallout could ‘block out sun for months’

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

Scientists fear the dark cloud of transfer speculation currently hanging over North London could ‘block out the sun for the next three months and pose a substantial threat to the sanity of the human race’.

The hot air linking Cesc Fabregas with a move to Barcelona has been spewing out of the Nou Camp since Monday and is now lingering ominously over North London.

Not only are Arsenal fans likely to remain grounded for the immediate future, but scientists are warning the choking speculation could match the toxic levels of the Berbatov saga of two years ago.

The media’s role in running about screaming and prophesising the downfall of the Emirates Empire is increasingly coming under scrutiny for heightening the sense of panic.

“The situation is very serious,” one scientist told SportingBalls.

“Joan Laporta is known for spewing out an enormous amount of rubbish – particularly in the summer – but at the moment the prevailing winds are blowing onto English shores.

“If something isn’t done, then within a few days people will be choking on it. It gets everywhere and soon people will be passing it on to others involuntary.

“The fear is that it could exceed the lethal levels seen during the Berbatov transfer to Manchester United, which lasted for months and drove many people to depression and insanity.

“Ultimately it could block out the sun for the next three months and pose a substantial threat to the sanity of the human race.”

*This story is constructed of 90% fiction.

March 12, 2010

NEWS: Foreign stars flee as Pulis says its crunch time

Stoke manager Tony Pulis has told his players it is “crunch time of the season” – prompting fears of a mass exodus of foreign stars from the Premier League.

With two months of the season left Pulis, whose side specialise in a scrap, is calling on his players to intensify their efforts to avoid relegation.

But the Premier League fear his declaration of intent will lead to foreign stars fleeing the country. Security staff are on alert at all major airports, sea ports and railway stations with a deluge of fragile foreign footballers expected in the coming days.

Stoke face top-four chasing Aston Villa on Saturday and there are calls from Premier League managers to crackdown on their signature move ‘the smash and grab’.

Pullis denied his call to arms represented a genuine call to arms, instead insisting there were no overtly physical or aggressive connotation to his cliché statement.

* This story is manufactured from 100% fiction.

January 4, 2010

Big Freeze hits Big Four

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson is the latest of the Big Four bosses to complain his side have been adversely affected by the arctic conditions that are crippling the country at present.

The Scot, who is accustomed to a chilly reception wherever he goes, watched on in disbelief as his side froze against Leeds in the FA Cup at the weekend.

“I was so shocked,” said Ferguson. “When they went onto the pitch they were fine. But when the game started they just froze, everyone one them in front of my eyes. It was like visiting Madame Tussauds at the North Pole.”

United defender Wes Brown was due to start on the sidelines but was a late call up to the starting XI and his lack of preparation and acclimatisation was immediately apparent.

By virtually Leeds’ first attack, the United defender had been turned into a statue and Jermaine Beckford blazed past him with ease to scored Leeds’ opener.

Ferguson desperately attempted to revive his team at half time with the famed hairdryer treatment. But the intense heat from his throbbing forehead and burning brow could not thaw United’s top performers. With time running out, Ferguson unleashed his verbal flamethrower, spitting ferociously in the face of his high-paid stars. But it was to no avail. He even lit a bomb under Dimitar Berbatov, but the Russian remained motionless and they all had to be wheeled out on for the second half on trolleys.

“Who needs banana skins when conditions are this precarious? We were all ways going to slip on our arse,” said Ferguson.

It is a problem the Big Four have been afflicted by in recent months with Arsenal and Chelsea also freezing at crucial moments this season. Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal have regularly come a cropper on the road.

But the saddest story of all is Liverpool. With many of their squad more accustomed to warmer climbs, Liverpool have been caught cold on numerous occadions this season.

Early season cold snaps did irreversible damage to the club, leaving severe trauma and internal complications beyond even the best match-winning surgeons. With Rafa ‘the brain’ Benitez not functioning effectively the club considered amputation, but with two American cowboys in charge they decided to hope for a miracle. Even cosmetic surgery was beyond the cash-strapped, frost-bitten club.

And despite desperate efforts to revive the famous club, Liverpool’s season was pronounced dead just before the holiday period began. They left thousands of grieving fans and several mediocre memories.