Posts tagged ‘Barcelona’

May 19, 2010

Fabregas fallout could ‘block out sun for months’

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

Scientists fear the dark cloud of transfer speculation currently hanging over North London could ‘block out the sun for the next three months and pose a substantial threat to the sanity of the human race’.

The hot air linking Cesc Fabregas with a move to Barcelona has been spewing out of the Nou Camp since Monday and is now lingering ominously over North London.

Not only are Arsenal fans likely to remain grounded for the immediate future, but scientists are warning the choking speculation could match the toxic levels of the Berbatov saga of two years ago.

The media’s role in running about screaming and prophesising the downfall of the Emirates Empire is increasingly coming under scrutiny for heightening the sense of panic.

“The situation is very serious,” one scientist told SportingBalls.

“Joan Laporta is known for spewing out an enormous amount of rubbish – particularly in the summer – but at the moment the prevailing winds are blowing onto English shores.

“If something isn’t done, then within a few days people will be choking on it. It gets everywhere and soon people will be passing it on to others involuntary.

“The fear is that it could exceed the lethal levels seen during the Berbatov transfer to Manchester United, which lasted for months and drove many people to depression and insanity.

“Ultimately it could block out the sun for the next three months and pose a substantial threat to the sanity of the human race.”

*This story is constructed of 90% fiction.

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April 28, 2010

Scientists: CL semi ‘never happened’

Scientists believe they have finally solved one of the most elusive riddles of life, the universe and everything after a football match in Europe was deemed not to have happened because no-one in England witnessed it.

The Champions League semi-final clash between Bayern Munich and Lyon was scheduled for Tuesday night.

But, after all the English clubs were eliminated from the competition, scientists seized on the chance to test a question that had infuriated the greatest minds for thousands of years.

And the results were conclusive – there was not a trace of evidence suggesting that a match had taken place leaving scientists to conclude it did not happen.

“It’s one of the most famous riddles the universe has thrown at humankind – if a football match is played in Europe, and no one in England witnesses it, did it really happen?” said professor and philosopher Robin Schodenberger.

“Now we have a resounding, indisputable answer – no, no, no!

“It feels great to finally solve this mystery.”

Initially there were fears that the second semi final between Inter Milan and Barcelona would similarly vanish without trace.

But with the sumptuous football of Barcelona and the indomitable ego of Jose Mourinho, such doubts were quickly dispelled.

However, UEFA are now debating who should play Inter Milan or Barcelona in the final of the Champions League.

And the discovery could have far reaching ramifications for the rest of the game with non-league matches and Wigan Athletic matches for the past decade set to be expunged from history.

It was the scientists second significant breakthorugh in recent months after locating the so-called ‘God particle’ whizzing around the Nou Camp at astronomical speeds.

The scientists named the particle ‘Lionel Messi’ and are hoping for another sighting in the Nou Camp tonight.