Posts tagged ‘Don Fabio Capello’

June 25, 2010

England ‘Fans’ Accused Of Waving White Flag

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

England supporters have been accused of being unpatriotic and overly pessimistic ahead of the World Cup clash with Germany on Sunday – after thousands of ‘fans’ took to the streets waving white flags.

Don Fabio Capello’s men qualified for the last 16 of the tournament with a 1-0 victory over Slovenia on Wednesday afternoon.

But the euphoria of reaching the knock out stages swiftly turned to despondency as the nation faced up to a clash with arch-nemesis Germany in the next round.

And with it the fate of a ‘certain death penalty’ as punishment for failing to finish top of the group.

“Its amazing. There are people everywhere flying their white flag – clearly terrified of what the Germans will do to us,” said one observer.

“People are walking down the street dressed in flags, flying them from cars and painting them on their faces. They are scared shitless.

“They obviously think it may elicit some sympathy or enable us to reach some agreement.

“Its outrageous. We should be getting behind our boys, encouraging them and have confidence in them to win the game. Its unpatriotic and overly pessimistic.”

However, many fans insist the caution and desire to reach an amicable solution to the ‘do-or-die encounter’ is justifiable.

In recent history Germany have inflicted some devastating defeats on the English, most notably in 1970, 1990, 1996 and 2001.

And some fans insist England should surrender to Germany, as they fear the Germans may opt for the excruciatingly ‘death by penalties’ – a slow and torturous end which is banned in many countries.

This sentence has become increasingly common after FIFA abandoned experiments with ‘sudden death’ a few years ago, despite protests from human rights groups.

* This story is constructed from 89% fiction and the rest is invented

June 23, 2010

Slovenia Coach Warns Players No Easy Games



Bill Hack Chief football correspondent, South Africa

Slovenia coach Matjaz Kek has warned his players there are ‘no easy games in international football’ ahead of their crucial World Cup clash with England today.

Slovenia need only a draw against Don Fabio Capello’s side – a team that has already drawn with USA and Algeria – to progress in the tournament.

But the architect of Slovenia’s bid to reach the second round is determined to guard against any complacency despite the relative weakness of the opposition.

“Look, I know its only England and I know all logic says we should beat them comfortably. But its also true that there are no easy games in international football anymore.

“I remember a time when we could just turn up . But not anymore.

“France proved that when they very nearly upset hosts South Africa.

“England will be well organised, hard to breakdown and we know they are strong and quick – even if they cant pass the ball five yards.

“But if we prepare right, perform to our best, then yes we”ll thrash them 5-1. Its that simple.”

Meanwhile England coach Don Fabio Capello has vowed to secure a top-four finish in Group C ahead of the final showdown tonight, to ensure England enter the qualification stages for the European Championships.

Picture: Independent

* This story was constructed from 92.5% fiction.

June 18, 2010

Capello: We’ll See If Green Has A Breakdown



Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

Don Fabio Capello will test Rob Green’s mental state ahead of England’s World Cup encounter with Algeria by subjecting him to hours of personal torture before delivering the biggest news of his career seconds before the game.

The goalkeeper’s place in the starting XI is under pressure following his disastrous mistake against the United States in the opening game.

Don Fabio is refusing to reveal whether the goalkeeper will play in tonight’s game as he continues to examine Green’s mental state.

“We will give him a late fitness test,” Don Fabio confirmed. “If the shock of playing against Algeria gives him a heart attack…. then he won’t play.

“It will test his strength, his balls, his cajones. I will push his nerves to breaking point and if they snap I know he is not my man.”

David James and Joe Hart are waiting to replace Green in the starting XI if the West Ham goalkeeper has to be taken to the mental asylum.

But with hours to go before the encounter, Green insisted his mind was right and he was 100% ready for the game.

“I’m f-f-f-f-f-f-fine thanks,” Green confirmed. “Mentally, I’m 1005 settled. I’m relaxed and calm.

“Why what have you heard? Am I going to play? You’d tell me, right? You know something, don’t you? You know something. Tell me. Tell me now!”

Meanwhile Don Fabio insisted he had confidence in his goalkeeper.

“I have confidence in my goalkeeper,” he said. “I just don’t know which one that is yet.”

* This is constructed from fiction.

June 16, 2010

England Granted Permission For Midfield Bypass



Bill Hack chief football correspondent

Don Fabio Capello is to unveil his new 6-0-4 formation after England were granted permission for a complete midfield bypass.

For years England have been campaigning to bypass entirely the treacherous and congested midfield area – which so has so often scuppered their chances of success.

And, despite protests from football conservation groups and the international community, they have now been granted formal permission to pursue their policy of using the most direct route from one goal to another goal.

“This is great news,” said an FA spokesman. “For years we have been getting so much stick from the international community and the football conservation groups for our insistence on going from one penalty area to another by skipping midfield.

“It’s just so congested in there – and to be honest we just don’t have the quality to manoeuvre through that kind of traffic.

“Now we can continue our journey in peace.”

England’s insistence on going around or over midfield has drawn international scorn with the Spanish and Germans accusing them of putting the future of football at risk.

June 14, 2010

Capello’s Selection Dilemma As Millions Admit “I Could Have Saved That”



Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

England boss Don Fabio Capello is facing a goalkeeper selection dilemma after Robert Green’s howler against the United States led to millions of television viewers admitting ‘I can do better than that’.

England fans up and down the country watched on in disbelief as Green inexplicably failed to stop Clint Dempsey’s shot in England’s 1-1 draw with the United States on Saturday night.

The momentary silence that descended as Green spilled the ball was shattered by millions screaming in unison: “I could have saved that”.

Bar tenders, council workers, mechanics, doctors, IT geeks and bankers all claimed they could do a far better job than the current England goalkeeper giving the England boss a massive selection headache as he attempts to select his number one from 22.5million hopefuls.

However, he been aided by the fact that 312 fans admitting they “probably would have messed it up as well, especially in front of all those people”. Whilst another 6,102 ruled themselves out due to ‘work commitments’ and ‘already booked holidays’.

Amazed viewers even proposed elderly relatives, both living and dead, they thought could fulfil the role of England’s number one against Algeria on Friday night.

“I could have saved that,” said one babbling fan. “In fact my missus could have saved that. In fact my dead grandma – God rest her fine soul – who had arthritis in both wrists could have saved that.”

Don Fabio is thought to have heard the screams of dismay emanating from England and has dispatched goalkeeping coach Ray Clemence to hold emergency trials throughout the country ahead of England’s next match.

In an extraordinary move, Clemence will be invited onto the X-Factor judging panel with pop star wannabes being asked to showcase their goalkeeping skills as well as their singing voices.

The draw against the United States represented an anti-climatic start to England’s World Cup campaign against a nation that has the worst football literacy rate in the world – a part from Scotland. Meanwhile, there was sympathy for the West Ham goalkeeper.

The president of BP, Sir Fred Goodwin, Osama Bin Laden and Mike Ashley all insisted they ‘didn’t envy the England goalkeeper’ and ‘would not swap places with him for a million dollars’ – although most of them would not open an eyelid for less than $3.5million.

England team-mates also lined up to offer their support to the red-faced Green with Emile Heskey publicly thanking him for distracting fans from his failure to score at the other end.

“Once again Rob has come through for me,” said Heskey. “We look out for each other and that is the way it should be with team-mates. Sometimes he makes a howler and sometimes I miss a sitter – its al about sharing the blame.”

* This story is constructed from fiction

June 2, 2010

Palmer Retires After World Cup Snub


Palmer: Axed for World Cup


Bill Hack Chief football correspondent 

England midfielder Carlton Palmer has formally retired from international football after his striking omission from Don Fabio Capello’s World Cup squad. 

The former Sheffield Wednesday and Leeds midfielder had been hopeful of making the plane to South Africa this summer after Michael Carrick, Tom Huddlestone and Scott Parker failed to impress. 

But when the FA finally released the names of those to be involved, the veteran holding midfield was not among them. 

Palmer is said to have been ‘mortified’ and flown into a ‘terrifying rage’, taking a baseball bat to his belongings before sobbing uncontrollably into Garth Crooks’ lap. 

Palmer demanded face-to-face talks with England boss Don Fabio. However, the Italian ignored the midfielder’s demands plea, insisting that he had never heard of the 44-year-old favourite of Graham Taylor. 

But he later released a statement that read: “I am naturally disappointed by my omission from the World Cup squad. But I fully respect Don Fabio’s decision and wish the players who will travel the best of luck in South Africa.” 

As predicted on this site on Monday, Arsenal winger Theo Walcott was also omitted from the squad after his request to travel to Disneyland instead. 

Walcott was not available for comment. 

England were permitted to name a 24-man squad compared to their rivals’ 23-man restriction, with FA lawyers successfully arguing that Michael Carrick and Emile Heskey are ‘half the players they should be’. 

The squad announcement was delayed by several hours prompting a shambolic afternoon of speculation, rumour and tweeting. 

The delay, according to the FA, was caused by a faulty battery in Don Fabio’s alarm ‘Simpsons’ clock and a desperate attempt to lure Peter Shilton out of retirement. 

* This story is constructed from fiction.

May 31, 2010

England players: We’d rather go on holiday



Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

England boss Don Fabio Capello is facing a selection dilemma just 10 days before the World Cup with a number of players admitting they would rather go on holiday than work-over time this summer.

The England players, such as Tom Huddlestone, Darren Bent, Michael Carrick, Theo Walcott and Shaun Wright-Philips made their feelings abundantly clear from two lackluster performances against Mexico and Japan.

And now Don Fabio is facing an anxious wait to see if he can find enough players to make up his 23-man squad that will travel to South Africa.

Contingency plans are being drawn up with former players David Batty and even Emile Heskey touted for recalls.

“I don’t really fancy it to be honest,” said Huddlestone after the 2-1 win over Japan. “I’d rather go on holiday.

“The FA have promised us loads of fun trips and stuff, like safaris, fishing and even the chance to watch Brazil play.

“But its been a long and hard season and I just want to chill out and relax, not do more work for not much more money.

“And to be honest my family are planning to go to DisneyLand – the land where dreams come true. How can England’s trip to the World Cup compete with that? It can’t.”

The group of players informed Don Fabio of their decision after the game against Japan. Having showered and changed, they knocked on the managers door and sheepishly told the England boss of their intentions to fly to the Magic Kingdom without delay.

“Credit to Theo, he told the boss of our decision,” said Carrick. “Don Fabio took it very well – he said that he knew we’d wanted to go for sometime and to have fun.

“He said our minds never looked in the game – and we should go and enjoy it. There will always be other World Cups and career-defining moments.”

* This story was constructed from fiction.

May 21, 2010

Capello: Wives OR Girlfriends not both

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

England manager Don Fabio Capello has laid down the law ahead of the World Cup by insisting the players only take their wife or their girlfriend to South Africa and not both.

In a dramatic break from tradition, Don Fabio is demanding an end to the WAG culture, in which players have been permitted to take their wives as well as their girlfriends and fiances on tour.

The Italian fears the presence of numerous partners could distract the players from their primary objective of winning the World Cup.

Don Fabio said: “The England players must take either their wife or their girlfriend. Not both!

“I know this is asking a lot of the players but it is essential if we are to win the World Cup.

“I appreciate the sacrifice they will be making.”

During Sven Goran Eriksson’s time in charge of the national team, WAGs were positively encouraged as the Swede preached a policy of ‘the more the merrier’.

Eriksson was eager to incorprate them into the camp and would invite them to join late-night discussions and video analysis sessions, sometimes even forgetting to tell the players.

But Capello, known for his draconian rules and hardline stance, is adamant that ‘bitch fights’ and ‘petty jealousies’ should not distract the players.

Some within the England camp, however, have reacted with dismay.

“It’s simply unreasonable,” said one England insider. “You can bet the Italians will be allowed as many partners as they like, and just think of the Brazilians.

“We are being treated like children… ‘no you’re only allowed one girlfriend’. Its like when I was six. I’m not a child, I should be able sleep with as many women as I like without any consequences whatsoever.

“It is a breach of our civil liberties.”

* This story is constructed from fiction.

May 17, 2010

Beckham ‘speechless’ at England comms role

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

David Beckham admits he was ‘speechless’ after being asked by Don Fabio Capello to be England’s communications director at the World Cup in South Africa.

The former England captain’s hopes of going to the World Cup were shattered when he ruptured ankle ligaments whilst playing for AC Milan.

But the England manager has asked him to travel with the squad as his right-hand man and chief communicator and conduit between the players and the Italian management.

“Yeh…er…em…er… I’m speechless,” Beckham confirmed.

Beckham’s famed mastery of the written and spoken word, with his succinct and pithy style, made him the ideal candidate for the job.

And Don Fabio believes his ability to decipher the cliché-ridden mumblings of professional footballers as well as deliver rousing Churchillian speeches prior to kick off will make him an invaluable asset in South Africa.

Since becoming a part-time footballer after the World Cup in 2002, Beckham’s communication skills have been in high demand with no notable successes.

He recently received high praise from politicians and commentators for his role as chief negotiator in securing the new Conservative-Liberal coalition government, and is being caught by Barrack Obama, who wants him as his primary speechwriter.

“Yeh, its good ’n nat. I’m gonna go to World Cup. It’ll be good ‘n nat,” said Beckham after returning from Columbia, where he secured the release of 30 English and Spanish hostages.

“My Italini is getting good and is nearly as best as my English.

“Hostage negotiating is easy. It’s like Chinese whispers – only in English,”

Asked about his partnership with Don Fabio, Beckham said: “Me and Don Fabio are in common much. He likes Opera, I like X-factor. He likes Italian food, and I’m a massive fan of pizza hut. It’s good.”

While Don Fabio confirmed Beckham will fulfil exactly the same role as he was earmarked for prior to his injury, a non-playing squad member, the Italian also suggested the former captain’s remit would stretch to be in charge of tictacs.

* This story is constructed from the purest fiction

May 12, 2010

Don Fabio speaks: This is what you get with PR




Bill Hack Chief football correspondent  

England manager Don Fabio Capello has blamed the new selection system of ‘proportional representation’ for the presence of several OAPs, numerous invalids, a Sunderland player and a Portsmouth player in his World Cup squad. 

The England manager finally revealed his provisional 30-man squad for the World Cup in South Africa last night after hours of intense negotiation. 

The outcome was places in the squad for a 39-year-old geriatric goalkeeper, David James, a staunch scouser with anti-nationalist tendancies, Jamie Carragher, a disabled defender, Ledley King, and a Sunderland striker, Darren Bent. 

But Don Fabio, known as a hard-line disciplinarian, has remained true to his ideology to form a right-leaning alliance – with no left wingers in the coalition.  

“This is what you get under a PR system,” said Don Fabio. 

“(untranslatable Italian ridden with expletives). We have to make do.” 

With no left wingers selected in the squad, the centre seeking Steven Gerrard will be asked to masquarade as a left-side presence with Ashley Cole giving him some support. 

The squad is littered with right wingers with Theo Walcott, Aaron Lennon, Shaun Wright-Phillips and even left-footed Adam Johnston all underlining their preference for that role. 

Sources said Don Fabio was much aggrieved, and slightly embarrassed, to have to give representation to minor parties such as Portsmouth and Sunderland. 

But in a major coup Don Fabio confirmed the that Florence Nightingale will travel with the squad to nurse King through the tournament. 

England unveil plan to get 90 minutes from Ledley King

Nightingale, who was thought to have died ages ago, has in fact been working ‘minor miracles’ as team medic for the Sparta Prague. 

The England camp also confirmed that she had been researching and specialising in metatarsal injuries over the past few years in preparation for the country’s bid to lift the World Cup. 

Only when Nightingale’s presence was confirmed did King get the nod. 

Don Fabio also revealed that he attempted to lure Bobby Charlton out of retirement only for the former England midfielder to reject the offer.

* This story was constructed from 100% of the dodgiest fiction