Posts tagged ‘fans’

June 7, 2010

FA hail ‘biggest bandwagon ever’

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Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

The Football Association believe they are on course to construct the ‘biggest bandwagon’ ever seen in British pop culture as millions declare their sudden and life-long devotion to English football.

With just five to go before England’s opening game in the World Cup against the United States of America, flyby fans are jumping on the bandwagon with all the fleeting enthusiasm they can muster.

Support for the national team has enjoyed a dramatic surge in recent days after the finale to Britain’s Got Talent left millions of lives ‘empty and without meaning’.

In a phenomenon sweeping the nation, people with little or no interest in football are analysing England’s chances, delivering withering verdicts on David James and preaching to co-workers about the “virtues of the 4-2-3-1 formation or is that 4-2-3-2”.

Some of the evidence for the new craze include St. George’s flags are everywhere, World Cup paraphernalia adorn shop windows and of sickening over-exposure of James Corden.

An FA spokesperson confirmed: “It’s going to be massive, truly the biggest bandwagon constructed for a event. It’s set to eclipse the Pokemon craze, the X-Factor infatuation and even the Big Brother obsession.”

Psychologists say some of these ‘fans’ are simply seeking a quick fix of communal revelry while others are looking for deeper long-term social acceptance.

“It’s ok, not say you don’t like football,” said Dr Stein. “Even if you’re a bloke. Studies have proven that it does not mean you’re gay or are not a proper man.”

However, many fans deny there is anything fake or vain about their sudden fascination with the game.

“I’ve been the biggest football fan all my life,” said one fan. “I just haven’t really been able to attend any matches what with work…. or watch them on the TV what with the power cut since 1972.

“I just can’t wait to watch Ronaldinho, Zidane, Robin and Benicio Del Torro play in South Africa.

“Some idiot tried to say North Korea and New Zealand were playing in the World Cup – but I know my football.”

The FA had feared that injuries to Rio Ferdinand and Gareth Barry would dissipate the anticipation surrounding the squad.

But, in fact, it has simply increased the hype by empowering flyby fans with something to say. Radio shows are now preparing to field calls from ‘ranting morons who have little understanding or appreciation for the game’.

The FA have released some guidelines for those wishing to join the bandwagon:

Do not ask – Why don’t they play Peter Crouch in goal, he’s got such long arms and legs?

– Has Rooney’s metatarsal healed yet?

– Whatever happened to the brusher up role?

* This story is constructed from fiction.

May 14, 2010

World Cup immunisation goes ‘tragically wrong’

"Pain will be deeper than first feared"

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

The Football Association have confirmed their programme to immunise the country from World Cup heartbreak went ‘tragically wrong’ after Fulham’s Europa Cup final defeat only increased the appetite for rueful despair.

The FA have revealed that Fulham’s extra-time Europa Cup defeat was a ploy to remind England fans of what is to come in the World Cup this summer and arm them against the inevitable tragic semi-final elimination.

But they now fear the project may have increased fans’ addiction to cliched hard-luck stories of fallen heroes and gallant losers.

“We gave football fans a strong dose of reality, a shot of the pain and anguish that will come from the World Cup campaign,” said an FA spokesperson.

“But we may have got the dose wrong. We think they are hooked.

“We didn’t even involve penalties in it, and still the fans were showering in self-pity, reveling in nauseating comparisons to warriors and hovering up hyperbole.

“We’d hoped to temper the tide of World Cup fever. But this shows that it has taken hold and the heartbreak we will all feel later in the summer will be deeper and more painful than we’d anticipated.”

The FA have reported their disturbing findings to the new coalition government, and Prime Minister David Cameron has said that Britain must now braces itself for the inevitable consequences.

Supermarkets are now stock-piling melancholic indie music (including the acoustic version of Three Lions), while pubs are buying in more empty pint glasses to stare into and business are preparing for the ‘inevitable hangover’.

March 8, 2010

NEWS: English tennis in crisis as middle class threaten boycott

English middle classes are threatening to withdraw their support for British tennis after the team’s humiliating defeat in the Davis Cup.

The 1,320 tennis fans in Britain cut–short their skiing holidays in France, Germany and Canada as the inquest into the defeat to Lithuania gathers pace.

And they are now warning tennis chiefs that they will withdraw their two-week passing interest in the game.

The loss of support could have a devastating effect on the game in Britain leading to fears that it will be downgraded from a sport to a ‘pastime’ or even a ‘leisure activity’.

“For two weeks every year we are cheer, shout and eat strawberries like the common fan,” said a spokeswoman.

“We are no fair weather fans. Our support is total and unequivocal in those two weeks of peak summer.”

Meanwhile, the Lawn Tennis Association defended its £40million a year was providing great value for money.

* This story is constructed almost entirely from fiction.