Posts tagged ‘John Terry’

April 12, 2010

England players: Terry’s tackle ‘out of control’

Billy Hack chief football correspondent

Fearful England players are calling for immediate action after John Terry’s tackle almost ended yet another team-mate’s hopes of going to the World Cup this summer.

The defender has received huge criticism for his challenge on England team-mate James Milner during Chelsea’s victory over Aston Villa in the FA Cup semi-final this weekend – just months after Terry’s tackle ruined Wayne Bridges hopes of playing in the World Cup.

Pictures of the incident relating to Bridge were deemed far too graphic for terrestrial television – but can be seen online for a premium fee. The ‘reckless’ challenge on Milner this weekend, though, was witnessed by thousands of fans.

And Aston Villa manager Martin O’Neill said the young midfielder was fortunate to still have a career ahead of him.

“Right now the number one threat to taking a full squad to the World Cup is JT’s tackle,” an England insider told Sporting Balls.

“It’s out of control and it must be stopped.”

Terry has a reputation for an aggressive approach and leaving people writhing on the ground – occasionally taking assailants from behind.

England manager Fabio Capello denied Terry’s actions were part of any kind conspiracy or revenge mission after he was stripped of the captaincy.

But that has not stopped his international team-mates calling for ‘immediate and decisive action’ as the issue threatens to overshadow England’s World Cup efforts and create discord within the camp.

“I can’t sleep at night,” said another England insider. “I lie awake in fear, sweating and short of breathe, thinking to myself ‘will I be next?’

“Will John Terry’s tackle end my hopes of going to the World Cup?”

* This article was selected at random from a number of entirely fictitious accounts.

February 12, 2010

PLANET SPORT: The stuff we couldn’t make up…

Sno-go for Winter Olympics?

Concerns are growing ahead of the Winter Olympics in Vancouver about the lack of snow for the quadrennial festival of slipping, sliding and skidding.

Snow has been transported in from elsewhere in an attempt to ready the area for the Games.

“Global warming of is a worry,” IOC President Jacque Rogge told AFP.

“In awarding the event to a host city, we must look at the climate and snow conditions and geography, as well as ways to alleviate any lack of snow.”

Blatter backs Terry

FIFA president Sepp Blatter gives his take on the sacking of John Terry following allegations of the defender’s affair with a team-mates girlfriend.

“Listen, this is a special approach in the Anglo-Saxon countries,” he said. “If this had happened in let’s say Latin countries then I think he would have been applauded.”

Dyer mess for West Ham

It was revealed this week that former England winger Kieron Dyer could cost West Ham a staggering £30million – having made five appearances and scored no goals in his two years at the club.

That would equate to an appearance fee of £6million a time – The Virgin Mary is available for half the price.

February 1, 2010

England turn to Sir Cliff after Terry scandal

Sir Cliff Richard will lead the team to the World Cup in South Africa this summer after being unveiled as the new England football captain.

The 92-year-old forever-young Richard, who will be aided by first mate Tim Henman, was appointed to the role after John Terry was stripped of the captaincy following allegation of having sex in private.

Archbishop Rupert Murdoch, from the Department for the Enforcement of Moral Standards – also known as the New Of The World – revealed the allegations of Terry’s affair with French model Vanessa Perroncel at a sermon on Sunday morning.

Miss Perrocncel admitted Terry’s positions had become untenable and that was the reason for the end of the affair.

The revelations led to indignation and outrage from bankers, MPs, lager-louts and ravenous tabloid page-turners alike, who have taken offence at the ‘arrogance’, ‘lying’, ‘cheating’, ‘manipulation’, ‘sordid gossip’ and ‘apparent lack of remorse’.

The FA had hoped to promote one of England’s current squad but after long discussions with various candidates it was revealed that they all lacked the ‘moral authority’ and ‘fortitude’ to lead this nation’s missionary efforts in South Africa this summer.

Coach Fabio Capello uncovered allegations of bar brawls, affairs, cheating and even the soliciting of services for commercial gain in various players’ pasts.

“In the end we had very little choice,” a source from on high stressed. “Gary Lineker’s name did crop up – he was never booked during his career. But then we discovered he has been divorced and is on his second marriage.

“Whatever happened to the Corinthian spirit?

“This behaviour would be fine for a pre-season tour of Ibiza but this is the World Cup and the world will be watching our conduct.

“To send a team with their record would be to mar and sully the reputation of the fine young men of this country who know nothing but sobriety and infidelity. Think of the children, for pity’s sake think of the children!

“Cheating, scoring away from home and just taking what they want. Is that the behaviour we want from our boys when they go abroad?”

“Sir Cliff is the ideal person to restore national pride. Just look at what he has done with tennis. After his appointment as high priest and moral leader of tennis culture, we have enjoyed nothing but naivety feel-good . Sure we haven’t won anything but we have been morally cleansed as a nation.”

Sir Cliff will announce his World Cup squad a month prior to the tournament with rumours of a call up for ‘ Jonny ‘Wonderboy’ Wilkinson.

*This story is entirely fictitious