Posts tagged ‘Manchester united’

April 1, 2010

Critics slam Rooney’s scriptwriter for ‘obvious’ plot

Critics and football goers have slammed Wayne Rooney’s scriptwriter for an ‘obvious, overly contrived and merciless’ plot twist in the Manchester United and England striker’s quest to win the World Cup.

With just 70 days to go before the showpiece event in South Africa, Rooney went down with an ankle injury in the Champions League quarter-final match against Bayern Munich on Wednesday.

The development has injected tension, intrigue and drama into the Rooney saga as he hobbles around on crutches, awaits the latest medical bulletins and faces a potential race against time for fitness and form to fulfil his World Cup destiny.

“Oh come on,” said one football goer. “It is the most obvious and contrived story line since Titanic.

“We have all been saying for the last three months, ‘wouldn’t it be a disaster if Rooney were injured before the World Cup’. And they go and do it.

“It is not even remotely original. They did it in 2006 and we all remember what happened then. They tried to do too much – Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney struggling for fitness, a quarter-final date with destiny against bitter rivals Portugal, who had beaten us two years before, led by arch-nemesis and villain Ronaldo and obviously penalties. And they just could not pull it off and it back-fired spectacularly.”

But Rooney’s scriptwriter – also the author of Flintoff’s Ashes – responded by insisting it would have been implausible not to have crippled the star.

“The narrative was becoming boring, dull and tedious – he was scoring shit loads of goals and being touted as one of the best in the world. It was all far too obvious!”

However, critics have accused the writers of ruthlessly ‘toying with fans’ emotions’ as thousands of supporters plummet from dizzying hope and expectation to dangerously low levels of despair.

The musical score has also come in for heavy criticism as the writers were accused of giving the events the ‘X-factor treatment’.

Emotive music blared out of the stadium’s sound system – just in case any fans were unaware of the significance of the situation, unable to form their own emotions or, worse, intent on making their own judgements – as Rooney collapsed into a heap in slow-motion and medical staff scramble to reach their fallen star.

*This story was constructed almost entirely from fiction

March 29, 2010

Rooney: It really is this easy

Manchester United and England star Wayne Rooney has denied rumours that his formidable form this season is down to hard work and dedication, insisting ‘it really is just a piece of piss’.

The 24-year-old striker has been in top form this season – scoring a shit-load of goals and being touted as one of the finest players in the world.

But asked if his was down to hours of hard work, dedication and commitment on the training ground, Rooney said: “No. It really is just a piece of piss.

“I get up late, have a fry-up, rock up to training mid-morning, play a bit of world cup willy, grab some chips and beans from the canteen and go home to have a nap in front of Neighbours and Home and Away.

“In the afternoon I play Pro Ev and Champ manager before Coleen comes home to make my tea.

“Saturdays are a bit different. I get to have a longer lie-in, then its off to Old Trafford for a 90-minute kick-about. I’ll score a hat-trick or so, practise my goal celebrations, try and burn off my mid-morning pizza and take the match ball home whilst tens of thousands of people chant my name and shower praise upon me.

“It’s that easy. I don’t know what all the fuss is about.”

Asked about the influence of his team-mates and whether his success was merely a product of their skill and selflessness, Rooney responded: “Not really. I could do it on my own and frequently have this season.

“Ronaldo did it last season and when he left the gaffer made us draw straws to see who would have to carry the team this season and be the star player who everyone focuses on and hails as some kind of Messiah. Turned out, it was me.”

Rooney’ manager at club level, Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson, denied that the coaches had any ifluence on the players development.

“No its all down to him,” Ferguson said. “He has a god-given talent and no matter what we tell him, we cannot ruin that.”

“I would like to say that it is all down to hard work, drive, determination and passion. But its not. it down to luck.

“And I would say to any young player out there who thinks that hard work and dedication on the training ground can reap its reward on the pitch – don’t bother, don’t waste your time. You either have it or you don’t and if you have to think about whether you have it, you don’t have it.”

* This story is constructed almost entirely from fiction – guaranteed!

March 5, 2010

PLANET SPORT: The stuff we couldn’t make up…

Fools’ Gold?

April 2009 – Birmingham co-owner David Gold tells the Guardain: “To have an impact in these difficult economic times we need to reduce ticket prices by 50%. This couldn’t be done overnight as all clubs have contracted expenditures and overheads they need to see through, but it could perhaps be introduced for the start of the 2010-11 season and be carried out incrementally at roughly 17% per season for three seasons. Based on past experience, I genuinely believe this would eventually result in crowds rising by at least a quarter, maybe more.”

October 2009 – Gold tells Radio 5 live: “The model for reducing prices doesn’t work. In the event that you cut your prices in half you don’t double your attendance. Fans will love him (new owner Carson Yeung if he reduces ticket prices) but he will get relegated because it doesn’t work.” He added: “Often fans say if you cut your prices you will fill the stadium – it is not true.”
January 2010 – Gold, now West Ham co-owner, tells the Telegraphy: “If Man United are paying £50 million a year in interest, if they didn’t have that debt, then they could use that £50 million to reduce ticket prices.”
March 2010 – Gold tells the BBC that he would love to reduce ticket prices for the fans but – despite being co-owner of West Ham and responsible amongst other things the ticket prices at his club – it is not his responsibility to set entry prices, maintaining the Premier League should be leading the way.

Red Knights or Red Devils?
A group of “City experts” are planning to buy Manchester United and save the club from owners the Glazers.
Among the group are:
Paul Marshall – co-founded of hedge fund Marshall Wace. According to the Independent, the hedge fund “hit the headlines selling short the shares of the struggling Halifax Bank of Scotland and Northern Rock, and then in front of MPs defended the hedge fund industry and short sellingMPs defending .
Jim O’Neill – chief strategist at Goldman Sachs. “Think massive bonuses for staff only a year after the global banking bailout, think advice to Greece on how to circumvent EU borrowing rules, think investment bank famously dubbed as a ‘great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity’,” says the Independent.
March 1, 2010

News: Rooney reveals secret behind form

Manchester United and England forward Wayne Rooney has revealed the secret behind his supreme run of form this season – he has learnt how to count to ten.

The 23-year-old striker insists his high-profile disciplinary problems are now in the past after seeing a specialist who has taught him the numbers from six to ten – thus allowing him to control his temper.

“The gaffer kept telling me to count to 10 when someone annoyed me on the pitch, and I tried so hard,” Rooney confessed.

“But when I got up to seven, I didn’t know what came next. Was it nine, ten, seventeen? It made me so f**king mad! I just had to stamp on someone’s balls or kick them in the crotch.

“Then one day, the gaffer sat me down with my agent, close family and hangers-on and said I had a problem and that I needed to see someone… professionally. I told them I’m no head case and there was no need. But he insisted and he set me up with an edulacationalist who specialises in numbers and stuff.

“I see him once a week and we go over things, work on my counting, and stuff and its good.

“He’s shown me some great te.. tec.. techni… he’s shown me some cool stuff like using your fingers and toes to count. It’s hard though, when you’re playing cos, you cant see your toes. And that’s why I don’t use gloves anymore. I’m not stupid.”

Rooney also credits fatherhood – his wife Coleen gave birth to a human baby last year, which led to speculation and allegations in the national press – for giving him a new level of maturity and greater perspective on life.

“I’m loving being a father. Coleen keeps complaining about all the burping, dribbling and fixation with her breasts but I’m getting better – I have to now, I’m a dad after all.”

* This story is manufactured from 100% fiction

February 17, 2010

TWEET OF THE WEEK: Wayne’s world


“Wazzap! Played some footy last night with some lads in Italy. They were big lads and well old and one of them used to play for our crew before booted him out! Anyway we kicked their arses. Col is gonna make me chips and beans to celebrate!”

January 4, 2010

Big Freeze hits Big Four

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson is the latest of the Big Four bosses to complain his side have been adversely affected by the arctic conditions that are crippling the country at present.

The Scot, who is accustomed to a chilly reception wherever he goes, watched on in disbelief as his side froze against Leeds in the FA Cup at the weekend.

“I was so shocked,” said Ferguson. “When they went onto the pitch they were fine. But when the game started they just froze, everyone one them in front of my eyes. It was like visiting Madame Tussauds at the North Pole.”

United defender Wes Brown was due to start on the sidelines but was a late call up to the starting XI and his lack of preparation and acclimatisation was immediately apparent.

By virtually Leeds’ first attack, the United defender had been turned into a statue and Jermaine Beckford blazed past him with ease to scored Leeds’ opener.

Ferguson desperately attempted to revive his team at half time with the famed hairdryer treatment. But the intense heat from his throbbing forehead and burning brow could not thaw United’s top performers. With time running out, Ferguson unleashed his verbal flamethrower, spitting ferociously in the face of his high-paid stars. But it was to no avail. He even lit a bomb under Dimitar Berbatov, but the Russian remained motionless and they all had to be wheeled out on for the second half on trolleys.

“Who needs banana skins when conditions are this precarious? We were all ways going to slip on our arse,” said Ferguson.

It is a problem the Big Four have been afflicted by in recent months with Arsenal and Chelsea also freezing at crucial moments this season. Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal have regularly come a cropper on the road.

But the saddest story of all is Liverpool. With many of their squad more accustomed to warmer climbs, Liverpool have been caught cold on numerous occadions this season.

Early season cold snaps did irreversible damage to the club, leaving severe trauma and internal complications beyond even the best match-winning surgeons. With Rafa ‘the brain’ Benitez not functioning effectively the club considered amputation, but with two American cowboys in charge they decided to hope for a miracle. Even cosmetic surgery was beyond the cash-strapped, frost-bitten club.

And despite desperate efforts to revive the famous club, Liverpool’s season was pronounced dead just before the holiday period began. They left thousands of grieving fans and several mediocre memories.