Posts tagged ‘media’

June 28, 2010

Phone-in Callers Refuse To Comment

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

England fans across the country have bombarded radio phone-in shows refusing to comment on England’s World Cup exit.

Don Fabio Capello’s team were defeated 4-1 by bitter rivals Germany in the last-16 round on Sunday – a result that shocked the nation and led to deep soul searching.

But England fans refused roll out the familiar cliches and react in kneejerk fashion, instead taking a typically thoughtful and modest approach.

“I’m no expert and have no answers,” said one caller.

“Obviously this is very disappointing. But, after a performance that fell so short of expectations, it is essential to analyse this properly and come to the correct conclusions, however long it takes.

“It would be inappropriate for me to comment for on this matter as I would only be churning out drivel on issues I have little or no practical experience.”

Despite being pressed by the host, the caller insisted he had no further comment to make and ‘could they please stop ringing his house’.

Photo: BBC Sport

* This post is based almost entirely on fiction.

May 24, 2010

Frantic Search For Famous Ex-Blackpool Players Begins

Armfield: Blackpool's last decent player

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

The media have begun a frantic search for famous ex-Blackpool players to act as pundits next season amid fears pensioner Jimmy Armfield could be worked into the grave.

Blackpool were promoted to the Premier League after beating Cardiff in the Championship play-off finals on Saturday.

But, on account of Blackpool being rubbish for the last years, the media are desperately short of famous ex-players to spout drivel and fill time on countless televisions and radio shows.

“It is a major concern,” said a source at Sky Sports. “I can’t lie. The results so far are not good.

“We’ve been searching the country for anyone with football authority and any relationship with Blackpool, however tenuous, but nothing.

“If we cant find anyone we’ll just have to use Jamie Redknapp or Graeme Souness – and no one wants that.

“Rest assured, though, we will pour all our resources in to this and we will not rest. If such a person exists we will find them.”

Search continues

So far the search has turned up just Armfield, a dead Stanley Matthews and Alan Wright, who is primarily known as a former Aston Villa player.

Armfield has been the personality of choice so far, but media outlets fear their reliance on the 74-year-old is ‘unsustainable’ with whispered doubts he will not last the full season.

He is already double-booked until February 2011, when the referee is set to step in and stop their ‘brave but futile fight against relegation’. Thankfully there will be no European trips required.

Sky Sports News and BBC Five Live are said to be in dispute over ‘exclusive rights’ to the pensioner – a matter that could be resolved in court.


One solution mooted by Sky Sports is to clone the former Blackpool and England right-back as has successfully been achieved with ubiquitous ‘media personalities’ such as Colin Murray and Adrian Chiles.

With hours of dead air and column inches to be filled with inane comment and tedious banter, the media are becoming increasingly anxious.

Sky Sports are understood to have hired private detectives to hunt down anyone with links to Blackpool and footballing credibility. While the BBC are set to air an emergency appeal during prime time as they look to harness the full power of their organisation.

Do you know a famous Blackpool player? Are you a famous Blackpool player? If so please contact Sky Sports or BBC.

* This story is forged from some of the weakest fiction.