Posts tagged ‘Premier League’

August 4, 2010

Liverpool squatter joins ownership race

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

The battle for ownership of Liverpool football club has intensified after stadium burger seller and long-time Anfield resident Terry George launched a bid for the club under squatter’s rights.

American owners Tom Hicks and George Gillette are currently considering an offer from a billionaire Chinese businessman, which could wipe out the club’s debts and transform them into one of the richest teams in the world.

But the deal potentially worth £350milllion could be scuppered by a claim from 78-year-old Mr George, who has lived in the stadium for the last 60 years.

Mr George has filed a claim under squatter’s rights convention and hopes to take control of the world-famous club in time for the new Premier League season.

Although, he refused to speculate on how much money would be available for manager Roy Hodgson to invest in the playing squad, Mr George did insist no expense would be spared in building new toilets at the Kop End immediately.

“I’ve been coming to Anfield since I were a young lad,” Mr George told SportingBalls.

“Then one day after a game against United I got lost in all the crowds, you cold say I drowned in a sea of people. I couldn’t find my Dad or the way out. By the time I found the exit it was all locked up. So I settled down in a storeroom and have live there ever since.

“Of course it was upsetting losing my family like that but I never had to pay for a ticket ever again.”

He continued: “After a couple of years, I thought it was time to get a job and I’ve slipping burgers at ‘Terry’s half-time tucker’ for nearly 58 years now.

“The close season is always a bit of a slog. But there is a big gang of us who live in the stadium – some of the merchandise sellers, the groundsmen and even Kenny Dalglish. And we have some cracking 10v10 matches under the floodlights when the crowds have gone home.

“It’ll be a bit of a jump from burger seller to club owner but I’ve missed out on a few promotions over the years and I guess this is the reward.”

Former Liverpool ballboy Steve Journeyman said: “That’s what the fans want, one of their own running the club.

“He may not have the money to buy superstars or even Paul Konchesky but he is Liverpool through-and-through and that is what the fans want. We don’t need billions of pounds to compete with the best teams in Europe. We need passion. Brilliant!”

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May 24, 2010

Mourinho’s Dilemma As Barnet Make Offer

Mourinho's dilemma

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

Jose Mourinho’s proposed move to Real Madrid is in serious doubt tonight after Barnet FC offered the Inter Milan manager the chance to lead them out of the fourth tier of English football.

The former Chelsea and Porto manager has indicated his desire to leave Inter after winning the European Champions League final on Saturday night – completing an epic treble for the Italian club.

He was widely tipped to join Real Madrid in a £40milion deal but the English League Two are thought to have come in with an 11th hour offer leaving Mourinho with an agonising dilemma.

The position of Barnet manager has become available after the dismissal of previous manager Ian Hendon.

“Jose has a lot of thinking to do,” a bloke told SprtingBalls.

Rich in history and adorned in prestige, Barnet FC would be the obvious choice for the aspiring manager.

But Mourinho would seek to be guaranteed full control over team affairs,  which could cause tension between him and director of football Paul Fairclough.

And Mourinho may be unwilling to return to English football so soon after leading Shrewsbury Town to promotion.

* Disappointingly this story is not true.

May 24, 2010

Frantic Search For Famous Ex-Blackpool Players Begins

Armfield: Blackpool's last decent player

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

The media have begun a frantic search for famous ex-Blackpool players to act as pundits next season amid fears pensioner Jimmy Armfield could be worked into the grave.

Blackpool were promoted to the Premier League after beating Cardiff in the Championship play-off finals on Saturday.

But, on account of Blackpool being rubbish for the last years, the media are desperately short of famous ex-players to spout drivel and fill time on countless televisions and radio shows.

“It is a major concern,” said a source at Sky Sports. “I can’t lie. The results so far are not good.

“We’ve been searching the country for anyone with football authority and any relationship with Blackpool, however tenuous, but nothing.

“If we cant find anyone we’ll just have to use Jamie Redknapp or Graeme Souness – and no one wants that.

“Rest assured, though, we will pour all our resources in to this and we will not rest. If such a person exists we will find them.”

Search continues

So far the search has turned up just Armfield, a dead Stanley Matthews and Alan Wright, who is primarily known as a former Aston Villa player.

Armfield has been the personality of choice so far, but media outlets fear their reliance on the 74-year-old is ‘unsustainable’ with whispered doubts he will not last the full season.

He is already double-booked until February 2011, when the referee is set to step in and stop their ‘brave but futile fight against relegation’. Thankfully there will be no European trips required.

Sky Sports News and BBC Five Live are said to be in dispute over ‘exclusive rights’ to the pensioner – a matter that could be resolved in court.

Cloning

One solution mooted by Sky Sports is to clone the former Blackpool and England right-back as has successfully been achieved with ubiquitous ‘media personalities’ such as Colin Murray and Adrian Chiles.

With hours of dead air and column inches to be filled with inane comment and tedious banter, the media are becoming increasingly anxious.

Sky Sports are understood to have hired private detectives to hunt down anyone with links to Blackpool and footballing credibility. While the BBC are set to air an emergency appeal during prime time as they look to harness the full power of their organisation.

Do you know a famous Blackpool player? Are you a famous Blackpool player? If so please contact Sky Sports or BBC.

* This story is forged from some of the weakest fiction.

May 7, 2010

Premiership fixtures declared “no-pointers”

Benitez: "What's the point?"

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

Premiership managers have lined up ahead of the last day of the season to declare their final fixtures “no-pointers”.

The final round of the 2010/11 Premier League is set to get under way at 4pm on Sunday – but more than half of the managers have described their matches as inconsequential, unimportant and trivial.

And there is mounting pressure on the Premier League not to bother awarding points for the fixtures – apart from the four meaningful matches.

This would balance out the number of unscheduled “six-pointers” earlier in the season.

“There is no doubt about it – our match with Hull is a cast-iron no-pointer,” said Benitez.

“It’s not a ‘must-win’, ‘six-pointer’ or even a ‘ need to get a result’. It is simply rank no-pointer.”

Meanwhile Manchester City boss Roberto Mancini has called for his side’s match with West Ham to be upgraded to a six-pointer.

“If we can only persuade the Premier League and West Ham to declare it a six pointer then we could still qualify for the Champions League!”

If the Premier League, as now looks likely, do decide to withhold all points for those matches, Skysports will be contractually obliged to downgrade ‘Super Sunday’ to ‘Run of the mill Sunday’.

Such measures would invoke a strict limit on shouting, sensationalism, superlatives and alliteration during their coverage as well as a ban on Andy Gray.

It will be another blow for the company who have been charged a number of times in the past for ‘false advertising’ regarding their ‘Super Sunday’ products.

In one of the meaningless fixtures Everton, stranded in eight place, play Portsmouth, who are already relegated, and the Toffees manager is unequivocal in his indifference to the match.

“To be honest I can’t guarantee we will turn up,” he told SportingBalls.

“What’s the point – there is no point. Life is a no-pointer.”

March 19, 2010

Benitez ignores accusations of ignoring people

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez is refusing to comment on accusations by squad member Albert Riera that he is ‘uncommunicative’.

Riera, a flakey winger signed for £8million from Espanyol, was suspended by the club after critising the Liverpool manager for leaving him out of the team and then refusing to talk to him – ever again.

Asked if he was distant and aloof, Benitez shrugged his shoulders, raised his eyebrows and walked away to his private ivory tower.

Riera, visibly distraught at Benitez’s treatment of him, revealed that the Liverpool boss ‘never called anymore’, ‘rarely saw him’ and often ‘dropped him by text’ – sometimes in preference of Ryan Babel.

“It was so hurtful,” he said. “He just began to ignore me, no words of encouragement, no ‘wow that was amazing’ Alberto, no ‘you’re better than Ronaldo’, no ‘you’re the greatest player I’ve ever seen’ – nothing. He just said nothing to me.”

Later allies of Benitez rallied in his support of the world famous Liverpool manager and stressed that he is ‘simply a shy soul’.

Riera is now suspended from all first-team activities including team-bonding sessions until next week – though it remains unclear when the ban actually began.

And with so much free time now in his calendar, Riera has indicated that he is considering taking up football.

The tall and slender Spaniard admitted that he had never had time for hobbies with his hectic schedule of sitting in stands up and down the country during the weekends and acting as a goal post during weekday training sessions – his absence has left Liverpool with a massive void and are said to be searching for a player to act as a left upright alongside right upright Ryan Babel and cross bar David Ngog.

And Riera is now thinking of in ‘some kind of weekend football – may be in some kind of league’.

* Elements of this story are entire fiction

January 11, 2010

Robinho looks for move away

Manchester City forward Robinho looks set to move this January after placing himself in the shop-window.

The Brazilian superstar, who is said to be disenchanted with life in Manchester, has been spotted by shoppers in a number of London’s high street stores showing off his skills as he attempts to secure a move away from England.

He has reportedly had stints in Harrods front window along with Selfridges and other exclusive stores in the capital. The former Real Madrid man, who fled Manchester after the latest cold snap, has been seen sporting a number of different replica shirts from Barcelona to Sydney FC – but reportedly reacted aggressively when a tried to young fan tried to pace a Manchester City shirt on the him.

One January sales shopper said: “He’s so natural. To start with I couldn’t tell the difference between him and the other manikins. When the focus was not on him, he was so stationary and static – he may as well not have been there at all. Brilliant. He has all the looks as well – moody, disconsolate, dejected – he is a natural model.”

Harrods sales assistant Steve Philips said: “It has been a pleasure to have one of the world’s most talented footballers living in one of our shop windows. It has really pulled the punters in – they have been thrilled with his samba skills and cheeky tricks, but their interest in waning. He has a nasty habit of going missing at crucial times and when we finally track him down he is making a name for himself in the accessories department.

“As much as they love watching him, in the current climate our punters want something more tangible. He may have more luck in Accessorize. Although the £30 million price tag we have attached to his big toe is not helping – its playing havoc with his ball control.

“Ultimately we had to let him go – we were having to divert all the stores heating to keep in his glass cage a constant 85.5 degrees. Anything less and he would get kranky.”

The Brazilian would appear to be maximising his exposure by posing in a range of shops from Harrods through to Tesco and Morrisons. He was last seen on Saturday morning in the Lidl superstore along with fellow Blues player Michael Johnson. Shoppers said he had perfected a new pose – sitting cross-legged, head down and hands cupped and thrust out in front of him.

* Warning this article may no be entirely accurate.