Posts tagged ‘Rob Green’

June 18, 2010

Capello: We’ll See If Green Has A Breakdown

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Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

Don Fabio Capello will test Rob Green’s mental state ahead of England’s World Cup encounter with Algeria by subjecting him to hours of personal torture before delivering the biggest news of his career seconds before the game.

The goalkeeper’s place in the starting XI is under pressure following his disastrous mistake against the United States in the opening game.

Don Fabio is refusing to reveal whether the goalkeeper will play in tonight’s game as he continues to examine Green’s mental state.

“We will give him a late fitness test,” Don Fabio confirmed. “If the shock of playing against Algeria gives him a heart attack…. then he won’t play.

“It will test his strength, his balls, his cajones. I will push his nerves to breaking point and if they snap I know he is not my man.”

David James and Joe Hart are waiting to replace Green in the starting XI if the West Ham goalkeeper has to be taken to the mental asylum.

But with hours to go before the encounter, Green insisted his mind was right and he was 100% ready for the game.

“I’m f-f-f-f-f-f-fine thanks,” Green confirmed. “Mentally, I’m 1005 settled. I’m relaxed and calm.

“Why what have you heard? Am I going to play? You’d tell me, right? You know something, don’t you? You know something. Tell me. Tell me now!”

Meanwhile Don Fabio insisted he had confidence in his goalkeeper.

“I have confidence in my goalkeeper,” he said. “I just don’t know which one that is yet.”

* This is constructed from fiction.

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June 14, 2010

Capello’s Selection Dilemma As Millions Admit “I Could Have Saved That”

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Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

England boss Don Fabio Capello is facing a goalkeeper selection dilemma after Robert Green’s howler against the United States led to millions of television viewers admitting ‘I can do better than that’.

England fans up and down the country watched on in disbelief as Green inexplicably failed to stop Clint Dempsey’s shot in England’s 1-1 draw with the United States on Saturday night.

The momentary silence that descended as Green spilled the ball was shattered by millions screaming in unison: “I could have saved that”.

Bar tenders, council workers, mechanics, doctors, IT geeks and bankers all claimed they could do a far better job than the current England goalkeeper giving the England boss a massive selection headache as he attempts to select his number one from 22.5million hopefuls.

However, he been aided by the fact that 312 fans admitting they “probably would have messed it up as well, especially in front of all those people”. Whilst another 6,102 ruled themselves out due to ‘work commitments’ and ‘already booked holidays’.

Amazed viewers even proposed elderly relatives, both living and dead, they thought could fulfil the role of England’s number one against Algeria on Friday night.

“I could have saved that,” said one babbling fan. “In fact my missus could have saved that. In fact my dead grandma – God rest her fine soul – who had arthritis in both wrists could have saved that.”

Don Fabio is thought to have heard the screams of dismay emanating from England and has dispatched goalkeeping coach Ray Clemence to hold emergency trials throughout the country ahead of England’s next match.

In an extraordinary move, Clemence will be invited onto the X-Factor judging panel with pop star wannabes being asked to showcase their goalkeeping skills as well as their singing voices.

The draw against the United States represented an anti-climatic start to England’s World Cup campaign against a nation that has the worst football literacy rate in the world – a part from Scotland. Meanwhile, there was sympathy for the West Ham goalkeeper.

The president of BP, Sir Fred Goodwin, Osama Bin Laden and Mike Ashley all insisted they ‘didn’t envy the England goalkeeper’ and ‘would not swap places with him for a million dollars’ – although most of them would not open an eyelid for less than $3.5million.

England team-mates also lined up to offer their support to the red-faced Green with Emile Heskey publicly thanking him for distracting fans from his failure to score at the other end.

“Once again Rob has come through for me,” said Heskey. “We look out for each other and that is the way it should be with team-mates. Sometimes he makes a howler and sometimes I miss a sitter – its al about sharing the blame.”

* This story is constructed from fiction