Posts tagged ‘Tiger Woods’

April 8, 2010

Teenagers: Tiger led us a stray

Teenage boys have united in their condemnation of Tiger Woods as an ‘improper and morally wayward role model’ after he confessed to achieving huge fame, making loads of money, winning many tournaments and having lots of sex with beautiful women.

The stinging rebuke from kids everywhere comes ahead of Woods’ release back into the golfing community at the Masters today.

The 34-year-old has promised to change his ways after being convicted of crimes against the self-righteous and smug.

But teenagers everywhere are in despair as they search for role models, who preach values of restraint, abstinence and self-control.

“Tiger’s behaviour has been morally corrupt,” said Chuck Davies Junior the Fourth. “We were deceived. We had no idea what was going on.

“We didn’t realise he was getting millions of dollars for recommending products or for winning golf tournaments. We did not know he was spending that money on big houses for his family, fast cars and super yachts.

“And we had no idea this young, good-looking, rich and successful man, with huge amounts of spare time, was shagging around with hot single women. This is not what we teenagers aspire to – it’s deplorable. We should not be exposed to this kind of behaviour; we should be protected from it.

“If modern Western society preaches anything it is that the pursuit of happiness through fame, money, girls and glory is a vacuous and pointless exercise.

“Our hero has failed us.”

Those thoughts were echoed by members of the Augusta National, where the Masters will be held.

“The accumulation of wealth, prestige and standing is just so distasteful,” said Charlie Smug, the chairman of the Augusta National, where membership is invite only and costs tens of thousands of pounds each year.

“Ambition to overcome the odds, drive to achieve your goals and break down barrier and taboos – is that really what we want to be teaching our kids?

“And when it comes to playing on the course, Tiger should be more retrained. He should be just be grateful to be here after all we only let in our first black member in 1990.”

A contrite and apologetic Woods reported that he took ‘no pleasure whatsoever from sleeping with so many beautiful women’ – causing many spiteful texts and great concern among psychologists and Darwinists.

“We expect humility from our fellow members,” concluded Chuck Davies The Third.

* This story has many factual errors, mis-quotes and mistakes – in fact the majority is not even true.

February 20, 2010

PLANET SPORT: The stuff we couldn’t make up…

Out of the Woods?

Tiger Woods today spoke publicly for the first time since the car crash that led to a series of lurid allegations about his private life.

Woods spoke of his regrets, and selfishness and his desire to change.

In his new-found wisdom and humility Woods decided to schedule his press conference apology in the middle of WGC-Accenture world match-play championship in Arizona.

The irony was not lost on Ernie Els, who described it as “selfish”. But then the tournament sponsors, Accenture, did drop Woods following the rumours of numerous affairs.

It’s not about the money: Wasps winger Paul Sackey

“I’ve made my decision now, I’ve just got to go with it and make the best out of it. I’m definitely not going for the money,” he told skysports.

“I would have stayed at Wasps for a little bit more.”

Hammer and thong

West Ham’s new co-owner David Sullivan is set to bring back the Hammerettes, the club’s raunchy cheerleaders,to Upton Park.

Where did the former pornography entrepeneur get his idea to bring back the scantily clad, flesh-flashing wonders?