Posts tagged ‘WAGs’

May 28, 2010

WAGs Wait On World Cup Squad

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June 2006 - WAGs gathered for World Cup announcement

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent 

WAGs from across the country will gather in Trafalgar Square this Sunday to hear England manager Don Fabio Capello announce their World Cup fate. 

The England boss will name his squad for the World Cup finals on a giant screen as WAGs, from c-z list, descend on the nation’s capital. 

The WAGs will then desperately negotiate with their football partners for a place on the plane to South Africa – with all types favours thought to be on the table. 

Competition for place this year will be especially fraught with Don Fabio attempting to usher in a new WORG era where players take ‘Wife Or Girlfriend’ rather than both

Don Fabio had hoped to inform the World Cup hopefuls face-to-face but that was deemed ‘unrealistic’ due to the ‘logistical issues of talking to thousands of hopefuls’. 

“It is hugely regrettable that we can’s speak to them on an individual basis,” said an FA spokesperson. “It is the biggest moment in their careers. 

“Success at the World Cup can transform a career. It can lift them from the gossip pages to front page, from Nuts to FHM, from the Daily Sport to the Sun. That’s what’s at stake here!” 

The WAGs – some with more dubious claims than others – are expected to ‘crawl out from everywhere’ and gather on Saturday night to ensure a place in the square. 

The police and security services have been preparing for the event for the past month and have promised to keep a ‘muscular and ruthless’ control of the situation. 

With ‘bitch battles’ rated as ‘unavoidable’, riot police and water cannons will set up a perimeter around square to ensure any such violence does not spread into the rest of central London and cause danger to the general public. 

“We don’t want a repeat of the 2006 riots,” said a suddering policeman. 

In 2006 all the big players made the cut with Beckham, Cole and Rooney all making the plane, but there could be a number of shocks this year. 

Cole and Beckham have already been ruled out, but their absence could create an opportunity for an up and coming WAG. 

Crucially, though, the ‘talismanic’ Rooney will travel as she carries the hopes and aspirations of the Chav nation. 

“Yes it is a blow to be without such experience,” said Don Fabio. “But there is now an opportunity for someone to make a name for themselves on the global stage and take South Africa by storm.” 

* This story is constructed almost entirely from fiction.

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May 21, 2010

Capello: Wives OR Girlfriends not both

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

England manager Don Fabio Capello has laid down the law ahead of the World Cup by insisting the players only take their wife or their girlfriend to South Africa and not both.

In a dramatic break from tradition, Don Fabio is demanding an end to the WAG culture, in which players have been permitted to take their wives as well as their girlfriends and fiances on tour.

The Italian fears the presence of numerous partners could distract the players from their primary objective of winning the World Cup.

Don Fabio said: “The England players must take either their wife or their girlfriend. Not both!

“I know this is asking a lot of the players but it is essential if we are to win the World Cup.

“I appreciate the sacrifice they will be making.”

During Sven Goran Eriksson’s time in charge of the national team, WAGs were positively encouraged as the Swede preached a policy of ‘the more the merrier’.

Eriksson was eager to incorprate them into the camp and would invite them to join late-night discussions and video analysis sessions, sometimes even forgetting to tell the players.

But Capello, known for his draconian rules and hardline stance, is adamant that ‘bitch fights’ and ‘petty jealousies’ should not distract the players.

Some within the England camp, however, have reacted with dismay.

“It’s simply unreasonable,” said one England insider. “You can bet the Italians will be allowed as many partners as they like, and just think of the Brazilians.

“We are being treated like children… ‘no you’re only allowed one girlfriend’. Its like when I was six. I’m not a child, I should be able sleep with as many women as I like without any consequences whatsoever.

“It is a breach of our civil liberties.”

* This story is constructed from fiction.

April 26, 2010

Exclusive: Cole ‘considering’ WAG selection

Cole: Back on form?

Bill Hack Chief Football Correspondent

England have received a massive boost ahead of the World Cup with news that Cheryl Cole could travel to South Africa after all – potentially bolstering a worryingly depleted WAG squad.

The nation was pitched into doom only a few months ago amid fears she would not play any part in this summer’s World Cup after sustaining ‘emotional injuries’ following a ‘domestic incident’ rumoured to involve her ‘diva’ husband Cashley.

But, as SportingBalls can exclusively reveal, the talismanic Cole is said to be recovering well and almost ready to return to the limelight – fuelling speculation that she could make a dramatic comeback in time for the global event.

A source close to Cole said: “It has always been Cheryl dream to go the World Cup since she was a little girl.

“To be a star at the World Cup is the toughest challenge in the game – the competition is just so intense. There are the French, Italians, Dutch Brazilians and always the underrated Germans all vying to be number one. And they will go to any length, especially the Argentines. Thank god the Swedes did not make it.

“Cheryl’s one remaining ambition in the game is to party on Table-Top Mountain during a World Cup – it would be a fitting conclusion to a glorious career and no amount of emotional or physical hurt is going to stop her from achieving her goal.”

Cole’s availability would certainly be a significant boost to the entire nation.

Following the withdrawal of Victoria Beckham through injury, fears that Abbey Clancy could be permanently lost on ITV 4 and Danielle Lloyd’s ‘admirable’ decision to drop down a couple of divisions, critics were suggesting this could be the weakest squad of WAGs to travel to a World Cup since the East Germans in 1974.

If that was not enough, the reputation of WAGs everywhere has also taken a severe hammering in recent months after rumours of in-fitting and sleeping with each other’s trophy boyfriends.

Indeed, some former WAGs suggested that selection for the elite club had become far too easy after Jordan revealed she was at one stage a WAG.

But Cole remains one of the most popular WAGs in the English game and will attract huge tabloid and female support to the England cause, as well as galvanising the squad with her role as shots master.

And England boss Fabio Capello remains hopeful she will be able to play a full part in their campaign in South Africa.

She would certainly bring in an x-factor,” Capello quipped to himself.

Our resident football pundit Steve Journeyman, the former Hull, Grimsby, Doncaster, Plymouth, Burton Albion, Hartlepool and Accrington Stanley utility player, said: ” I saw one of Cheryl’s concerts on TV once and fair play to the las, you’ve got to admire her balls.”

The reigning World Champions

* This story was recycled from rubbish.