WAGs Wait On World Cup Squad

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June 2006 - WAGs gathered for World Cup announcement

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent 

WAGs from across the country will gather in Trafalgar Square this Sunday to hear England manager Don Fabio Capello announce their World Cup fate. 

The England boss will name his squad for the World Cup finals on a giant screen as WAGs, from c-z list, descend on the nation’s capital. 

The WAGs will then desperately negotiate with their football partners for a place on the plane to South Africa – with all types favours thought to be on the table. 

Competition for place this year will be especially fraught with Don Fabio attempting to usher in a new WORG era where players take ‘Wife Or Girlfriend’ rather than both. 

Don Fabio had hoped to inform the World Cup hopefuls face-to-face but that was deemed ‘unrealistic’ due to the ‘logistical issues of talking to thousands of hopefuls’. 

“It is hugely regrettable that we can’s speak to them on an individual basis,” said an FA spokesperson. “It is the biggest moment in their careers. 

“Success at the World Cup can transform a career. It can lift them from the gossip pages to front page, from Nuts to FHM, from the Daily Sport to the Sun. That’s what’s at stake here!” 

The WAGs – some with more dubious claims than others – are expected to ‘crawl out from everywhere’ and gather on Saturday night to ensure a place in the square. 

The police and security services have been preparing for the event for the past month and have promised to keep a ‘muscular and ruthless’ control of the situation. 

With ‘bitch battles’ rated as ‘unavoidable’, riot police and water cannons will set up a perimeter around square to ensure any such violence does not spread into the rest of central London and cause danger to the general public. 

“We don’t want a repeat of the 2006 riots,” said a suddering policeman. 

In 2006 all the big players made the cut with Beckham, Cole and Rooney all making the plane, but there could be a number of shocks this year. 

Cole and Beckham have already been ruled out, but their absence could create an opportunity for an up and coming WAG. 

Crucially, though, the ‘talismanic’ Rooney will travel as she carries the hopes and aspirations of the Chav nation. 

“Yes it is a blow to be without such experience,” said Don Fabio. “But there is now an opportunity for someone to make a name for themselves on the global stage and take South Africa by storm.” 

* This story is constructed almost entirely from fiction.

Lazarus: No hope for my mate Becks

David Beckham’s close personal friend and so-called ‘resurrection guru’ Lazarus of Bethany has admitted the England footballer has ‘not a chance in hell’ of playing at the 2010 World Cup.

As an ancient man renowned for his ability to defy the perils of time, Beckham looked destined to go to the World Cup as part of Fabio Capello’s England squad this summer.

But the long-term protégé of Lazarus, ruptured his Achilles tendon whilst playing for AC Milan against Chievo in Italy at the weekend, all but ending his hopes of playing in his fourth World Cup and his career.

Lazarus – who famously overcame from a severe bout of death to play in a local five-a-side tournament with the village elders four days later more than 2000 years ago – flew out to Milan from his base in the Holy Lands on Sunday night.

He consoled his close friend and offer advice on recovery and resurrection techniques, including the latest technology being developed by NASA.

But hours later the self-styled survival expert emerged inconsolable before delivering the devastating blow for England and Beckham fans around the globe.

“We tried our best,” Lazarus said. “But it was immediately apparent that there was absolutely no hope whatsoever, not a cat’s chance in hell. Seriously it was all over. Not even I could come back from that.

“And we can confirm that at 23.13 David Beckham’s career passed away.”

Lazarus, whose adventures and achievements were chronicled in the bible, insisted he had consulted ‘all his contacts including those with divine powers’ in hope of saving Beckham – but it was to no avail.

The England midfielder enjoyed a hugely successful career with the accumulation of millions of pounds and the odd pot or cup.

His association with Lazarus began after he was famously hanged at every in stadium in the land in a show of public dissatisfaction at his ill-time red card against Argentina in the 1998 World Cup.

But Beckham recovered strongly to lead Manchester United to the treble that year. His natural flair for resurrection and reinvention gained plaudits from religious fanatics, politicians and celebrities around the world – including the Pope, Peter Mandelson and Madonna.

After Beckham’s demise, speculation is now suggesting Lazarus’ career could be over.

He has worked with AC Milan for a number of years and is also a close personal friend of former Italian left-back Paolo Maldini.

But the resurrection guru has come under increasing pressure in recent years with the death of a number careers and his inability to rehabilitate Brazilian Ronaldinho.