Posts tagged ‘football’

August 4, 2010

Liverpool squatter joins ownership race

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

The battle for ownership of Liverpool football club has intensified after stadium burger seller and long-time Anfield resident Terry George launched a bid for the club under squatter’s rights.

American owners Tom Hicks and George Gillette are currently considering an offer from a billionaire Chinese businessman, which could wipe out the club’s debts and transform them into one of the richest teams in the world.

But the deal potentially worth £350milllion could be scuppered by a claim from 78-year-old Mr George, who has lived in the stadium for the last 60 years.

Mr George has filed a claim under squatter’s rights convention and hopes to take control of the world-famous club in time for the new Premier League season.

Although, he refused to speculate on how much money would be available for manager Roy Hodgson to invest in the playing squad, Mr George did insist no expense would be spared in building new toilets at the Kop End immediately.

“I’ve been coming to Anfield since I were a young lad,” Mr George told SportingBalls.

“Then one day after a game against United I got lost in all the crowds, you cold say I drowned in a sea of people. I couldn’t find my Dad or the way out. By the time I found the exit it was all locked up. So I settled down in a storeroom and have live there ever since.

“Of course it was upsetting losing my family like that but I never had to pay for a ticket ever again.”

He continued: “After a couple of years, I thought it was time to get a job and I’ve slipping burgers at ‘Terry’s half-time tucker’ for nearly 58 years now.

“The close season is always a bit of a slog. But there is a big gang of us who live in the stadium – some of the merchandise sellers, the groundsmen and even Kenny Dalglish. And we have some cracking 10v10 matches under the floodlights when the crowds have gone home.

“It’ll be a bit of a jump from burger seller to club owner but I’ve missed out on a few promotions over the years and I guess this is the reward.”

Former Liverpool ballboy Steve Journeyman said: “That’s what the fans want, one of their own running the club.

“He may not have the money to buy superstars or even Paul Konchesky but he is Liverpool through-and-through and that is what the fans want. We don’t need billions of pounds to compete with the best teams in Europe. We need passion. Brilliant!”

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July 7, 2010

Stevie G vs Jay-T: The Next Episode

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

Jay-T, the footballer formerly known as John Terry, has indicated his willingness to end his feud with bitter rival Stevie G – but the scouse scrapper has rejected his offer of peace.

The bad blood between two of the business’s biggest players has rocked English football and split the nation after Jay-T undermined Stevie G’s status as head of the England crew.

The feud broke out in the middle of England’s World Cup campaign, splitting camp into factions despite team-mate Aaron Lennon’s plea to “give peace a chance”.

Jay-T told SportingBalls: “If Stevie G, wants to come to me, and plead insanity, then we’ll see.

“But if not, then ya know, fuck it! Nuff said – I’ll chuck him down the old apple and pears.”

However, the Cockney Rhymer’s willingness to talk was not matched by Stevie .

He said: “I’ll bery the hatchet mate – right in his back!

“I’d rather die than make up with him…. But don’t tell him dat. He’s got some nasty mates.”

Big Wayne, Cashley C, Shaun “double-barrelled” and the ironically named Li’l PC all sided with Stevie G when the row erupted prior to 1-0 victory over Slovenia in South Africa.

Jay-T’s latest album Life After Death is released next week as a follow up to his hugely successful Blueprint albums.

The feud with former collaborator Stevie G, born Steven George Gerrard, is the latest in a long line of controversies surrounding Jay-T, who has one of the most feared tackles in the game.

Earlier this year he fell out with former best mate Wayne Bridge following an incident with Terry, Bridge’s former girlfriend, a former table and a former unbreakable bond.

* This story is unfortunately not true.

June 30, 2010

Golden Generation Plummets in Value

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

Experts have confirmed that England’s ‘golden generation’ has lost 93.6% of its value over the past two weeks.

The rapid depreciation comes after world renowned experts gathered in South Africa to value national collections from every country.

The result was devastating for England as they left embarrassed after their collection was exposed as ‘mock gold or bronze at best’.

Prized asset, Manchester United’s Wayne Rooney, who had been touted as one of the most precious and expensive jewels in the world was exposed as a sham and is now worth just £30.12 per kilo.

The FA had hope to sell off the national gold reserve but there have been no bidders as yet – forcing England manager Don Fabio Capello to explore other options.

So disillusioned was Don Fabio by Shaun Wright-Philips’ performances during the tournament, that the Italian immediately stuffed the Manchester City winger into an A4 envelope on his return to England and sent him off to Cash for Gold.

To his delight, Capello received a pencil sharpener and novelty key rings four days later.

June 7, 2010

FA hail ‘biggest bandwagon ever’

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Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

The Football Association believe they are on course to construct the ‘biggest bandwagon’ ever seen in British pop culture as millions declare their sudden and life-long devotion to English football.

With just five to go before England’s opening game in the World Cup against the United States of America, flyby fans are jumping on the bandwagon with all the fleeting enthusiasm they can muster.

Support for the national team has enjoyed a dramatic surge in recent days after the finale to Britain’s Got Talent left millions of lives ‘empty and without meaning’.

In a phenomenon sweeping the nation, people with little or no interest in football are analysing England’s chances, delivering withering verdicts on David James and preaching to co-workers about the “virtues of the 4-2-3-1 formation or is that 4-2-3-2”.

Some of the evidence for the new craze include St. George’s flags are everywhere, World Cup paraphernalia adorn shop windows and of sickening over-exposure of James Corden.

An FA spokesperson confirmed: “It’s going to be massive, truly the biggest bandwagon constructed for a event. It’s set to eclipse the Pokemon craze, the X-Factor infatuation and even the Big Brother obsession.”

Psychologists say some of these ‘fans’ are simply seeking a quick fix of communal revelry while others are looking for deeper long-term social acceptance.

“It’s ok, not say you don’t like football,” said Dr Stein. “Even if you’re a bloke. Studies have proven that it does not mean you’re gay or are not a proper man.”

However, many fans deny there is anything fake or vain about their sudden fascination with the game.

“I’ve been the biggest football fan all my life,” said one fan. “I just haven’t really been able to attend any matches what with work…. or watch them on the TV what with the power cut since 1972.

“I just can’t wait to watch Ronaldinho, Zidane, Robin and Benicio Del Torro play in South Africa.

“Some idiot tried to say North Korea and New Zealand were playing in the World Cup – but I know my football.”

The FA had feared that injuries to Rio Ferdinand and Gareth Barry would dissipate the anticipation surrounding the squad.

But, in fact, it has simply increased the hype by empowering flyby fans with something to say. Radio shows are now preparing to field calls from ‘ranting morons who have little understanding or appreciation for the game’.

The FA have released some guidelines for those wishing to join the bandwagon:

Do not ask – Why don’t they play Peter Crouch in goal, he’s got such long arms and legs?

– Has Rooney’s metatarsal healed yet?

– Whatever happened to the brusher up role?

* This story is constructed from fiction.

June 4, 2010

Liverpool Blow Budget On ‘Transfer Coup’

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

Liverpool are today celebrating a “massive transfer coup” after blowing their entire transfer budget on £6million man Rafa Benitez – in what the club are hailing as the ‘severance of the season’.

Benitez was sacked yesterday after one of moment of magic – winning the 2005 Champions League Final – and six years of mediocrity as Liverpool manager.

The “massive transfer coup” cost a staggering £6million – the entirety of Liverpool’s summer spending budget – and the club confirmed they would not be making any more signings or sackings this year.

But the club declared it was more than satisfied with their summer business, describing it as “one of the great severances of recent times”.

“It is entirely true we have no money left,” a club spokesman told SportingBalls. “I could not even lend you a fiver.

“In fact, we didn’t have the money before making this gamble, but sometimes an opportunity presents itself and you just have to take it.

“It is a great piece of business for the club and supporters should excited by what it will bring to the team.

“Six million is an astonishingly good figure for such a massive transfer coup and people are going to look back on this as one of the great severance of recent times.

“The bloke ate six millions worth per season at the post match buffet.”

Liverpool assured anxious fans that they would talk to some of the “best managers” in the game, before appointing the cheapest and easiest option Kenny Dalglish.

With the club demanding a thrifty individual who is accustomed to penny-pinching, the Scottish-scouse fits the bill perfectly.

Star player Steven Gerrard admitted Benitez’s departure could be a “massive weight off” with the former manager having insisted on him carrying the team for the past five seasons as penance for beating him at chess in 2005.

Benitez is said to be considering hanging up his joke-shop goatee and glasses and going back to his routes – around Europe as a lorry driver importing and exporting vegetables.

* This story is constructed from fiction

May 31, 2010

England players: We’d rather go on holiday

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Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

England boss Don Fabio Capello is facing a selection dilemma just 10 days before the World Cup with a number of players admitting they would rather go on holiday than work-over time this summer.

The England players, such as Tom Huddlestone, Darren Bent, Michael Carrick, Theo Walcott and Shaun Wright-Philips made their feelings abundantly clear from two lackluster performances against Mexico and Japan.

And now Don Fabio is facing an anxious wait to see if he can find enough players to make up his 23-man squad that will travel to South Africa.

Contingency plans are being drawn up with former players David Batty and even Emile Heskey touted for recalls.

“I don’t really fancy it to be honest,” said Huddlestone after the 2-1 win over Japan. “I’d rather go on holiday.

“The FA have promised us loads of fun trips and stuff, like safaris, fishing and even the chance to watch Brazil play.

“But its been a long and hard season and I just want to chill out and relax, not do more work for not much more money.

“And to be honest my family are planning to go to DisneyLand – the land where dreams come true. How can England’s trip to the World Cup compete with that? It can’t.”

The group of players informed Don Fabio of their decision after the game against Japan. Having showered and changed, they knocked on the managers door and sheepishly told the England boss of their intentions to fly to the Magic Kingdom without delay.

“Credit to Theo, he told the boss of our decision,” said Carrick. “Don Fabio took it very well – he said that he knew we’d wanted to go for sometime and to have fun.

“He said our minds never looked in the game – and we should go and enjoy it. There will always be other World Cups and career-defining moments.”

* This story was constructed from fiction.

May 28, 2010

WAGs Wait On World Cup Squad

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June 2006 - WAGs gathered for World Cup announcement

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent 

WAGs from across the country will gather in Trafalgar Square this Sunday to hear England manager Don Fabio Capello announce their World Cup fate. 

The England boss will name his squad for the World Cup finals on a giant screen as WAGs, from c-z list, descend on the nation’s capital. 

The WAGs will then desperately negotiate with their football partners for a place on the plane to South Africa – with all types favours thought to be on the table. 

Competition for place this year will be especially fraught with Don Fabio attempting to usher in a new WORG era where players take ‘Wife Or Girlfriend’ rather than both

Don Fabio had hoped to inform the World Cup hopefuls face-to-face but that was deemed ‘unrealistic’ due to the ‘logistical issues of talking to thousands of hopefuls’. 

“It is hugely regrettable that we can’s speak to them on an individual basis,” said an FA spokesperson. “It is the biggest moment in their careers. 

“Success at the World Cup can transform a career. It can lift them from the gossip pages to front page, from Nuts to FHM, from the Daily Sport to the Sun. That’s what’s at stake here!” 

The WAGs – some with more dubious claims than others – are expected to ‘crawl out from everywhere’ and gather on Saturday night to ensure a place in the square. 

The police and security services have been preparing for the event for the past month and have promised to keep a ‘muscular and ruthless’ control of the situation. 

With ‘bitch battles’ rated as ‘unavoidable’, riot police and water cannons will set up a perimeter around square to ensure any such violence does not spread into the rest of central London and cause danger to the general public. 

“We don’t want a repeat of the 2006 riots,” said a suddering policeman. 

In 2006 all the big players made the cut with Beckham, Cole and Rooney all making the plane, but there could be a number of shocks this year. 

Cole and Beckham have already been ruled out, but their absence could create an opportunity for an up and coming WAG. 

Crucially, though, the ‘talismanic’ Rooney will travel as she carries the hopes and aspirations of the Chav nation. 

“Yes it is a blow to be without such experience,” said Don Fabio. “But there is now an opportunity for someone to make a name for themselves on the global stage and take South Africa by storm.” 

* This story is constructed almost entirely from fiction.

May 26, 2010

Red Cross Deployed Ahead Of ‘World Cup Carnage’

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Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

The Red Cross have deployed a fleet of vehicles across England in their ‘biggest humanitarian operation ever’ amid fears of World Cup carnage.

The international humanitarian organisation has commandeered thousands of civilian vehicles across the country to patrol the streets and offer emergency medical aid to England fans.

They fear excess drinking, extreme violence and the inevitable, yet sudden, evaporation of hope and crushing of transient dreams could cause devastation and lead to one of the ‘greatest humanitarian disasters’ ever.

Thousands of cars are now flying the famous red and white flag after charitable people donated their vehicles to the cause – and hundreds of white van men have even trained as nurses to provide on the spot care.

“We are indebted to all those generous and compassionate people who this morning are flying the flag of humanity,” offered one volunteer.

“It is the greatest operation we have ever under taken and one of utmost importance.”

“The hundreds of people wandering the streets after being kicked out of their temporary accommodation at the Swann and Duck, the tears, the blood, the BO – and that is only after the Group stage.

“If we reach the semi-final and penalties- then God help us. It just does not bare thinking about, but we have to.”

The Red Cross were called in after the Football Association’s plan to immunise the country against unrealistic expectations backfired with Fulham’s European heartache causing despair across the country.

The organisation, who specialise in the prevention and clear-up of disaster, will continue the recruitment drive in the coming weeks.

Wayne the white van man said: “It truly is an honour to serve.

“The thought of all those grief stricken people pouring out of pubs, drunk and with nowhere to go is enough to move anyone one to tears.

“Those poor delluded fools. If we can do anything to help them, it truly is a beautiful thing.”

 

* This story is constructed from 100% fiction

May 24, 2010

Mourinho’s Dilemma As Barnet Make Offer

Mourinho's dilemma

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

Jose Mourinho’s proposed move to Real Madrid is in serious doubt tonight after Barnet FC offered the Inter Milan manager the chance to lead them out of the fourth tier of English football.

The former Chelsea and Porto manager has indicated his desire to leave Inter after winning the European Champions League final on Saturday night – completing an epic treble for the Italian club.

He was widely tipped to join Real Madrid in a £40milion deal but the English League Two are thought to have come in with an 11th hour offer leaving Mourinho with an agonising dilemma.

The position of Barnet manager has become available after the dismissal of previous manager Ian Hendon.

“Jose has a lot of thinking to do,” a bloke told SprtingBalls.

Rich in history and adorned in prestige, Barnet FC would be the obvious choice for the aspiring manager.

But Mourinho would seek to be guaranteed full control over team affairs,  which could cause tension between him and director of football Paul Fairclough.

And Mourinho may be unwilling to return to English football so soon after leading Shrewsbury Town to promotion.

* Disappointingly this story is not true.

May 24, 2010

Frantic Search For Famous Ex-Blackpool Players Begins

Armfield: Blackpool's last decent player

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

The media have begun a frantic search for famous ex-Blackpool players to act as pundits next season amid fears pensioner Jimmy Armfield could be worked into the grave.

Blackpool were promoted to the Premier League after beating Cardiff in the Championship play-off finals on Saturday.

But, on account of Blackpool being rubbish for the last years, the media are desperately short of famous ex-players to spout drivel and fill time on countless televisions and radio shows.

“It is a major concern,” said a source at Sky Sports. “I can’t lie. The results so far are not good.

“We’ve been searching the country for anyone with football authority and any relationship with Blackpool, however tenuous, but nothing.

“If we cant find anyone we’ll just have to use Jamie Redknapp or Graeme Souness – and no one wants that.

“Rest assured, though, we will pour all our resources in to this and we will not rest. If such a person exists we will find them.”

Search continues

So far the search has turned up just Armfield, a dead Stanley Matthews and Alan Wright, who is primarily known as a former Aston Villa player.

Armfield has been the personality of choice so far, but media outlets fear their reliance on the 74-year-old is ‘unsustainable’ with whispered doubts he will not last the full season.

He is already double-booked until February 2011, when the referee is set to step in and stop their ‘brave but futile fight against relegation’. Thankfully there will be no European trips required.

Sky Sports News and BBC Five Live are said to be in dispute over ‘exclusive rights’ to the pensioner – a matter that could be resolved in court.

Cloning

One solution mooted by Sky Sports is to clone the former Blackpool and England right-back as has successfully been achieved with ubiquitous ‘media personalities’ such as Colin Murray and Adrian Chiles.

With hours of dead air and column inches to be filled with inane comment and tedious banter, the media are becoming increasingly anxious.

Sky Sports are understood to have hired private detectives to hunt down anyone with links to Blackpool and footballing credibility. While the BBC are set to air an emergency appeal during prime time as they look to harness the full power of their organisation.

Do you know a famous Blackpool player? Are you a famous Blackpool player? If so please contact Sky Sports or BBC.

* This story is forged from some of the weakest fiction.