England Fans: Don’t Question Our Loyalty Or We’re Off

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Bill Hack chief football correspondent

England’s life-long supporters have warned Don Fabio Capello’s team not to question their eternal loyalty or they will walk away without hesitation or delay.

The diehard and devoted fans were incensed by England’s inept 0-0 draw with Algeria, which led to sections of the crowd exercising their right to turn their backs on the team at the first sign of trouble.

This prompted star striker Wayne Rooney to question the role of the ‘supporters’ and suggest they may be suffering from an identity crisis.

But the supporters have hit back by defending their ‘freedom to abuse their own team and right to shit on their own door step’ – which are enshrined in the English footballing tradition.

“There is no way I’m going to cheer the team when they need it most,” said one supporter. “That would be condoning it.

“If they question our undying and eternal support for England then we’re off and we’ll find something else to support.”

A chorus of “We’re England till we ‘re bored, we’re England till we’re bored, we know we are, we swear we are, we’re England till we’re bored” rang out round pubs and bars across England during the latter stages of Friday night’s draw.

But the supporters have denied the booing their own team was in anyway unpatriotic or harmful to England’s chances of winning the World Cup.

Meanwhile, the FA are continuing to investigate an alleged breach of security during the game against Algeria.

The FA were alerted to the ‘serious and disturbing intrusion’ after millions of people claimed to have seen a ‘young scaly disrupting play and ruining the match as a spectacle’.

The police are now on the look out for a short man going by the name of Shaun Wright-Philips.

Ferdinand triumphs in first debate

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

Rio Ferdinand is overwhelming favourite to be named England captain for the World Cup after ‘battering’ his rivals Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney in the live leadership debate aired last night.

Pundits immediately proclaimed Ferdinand as the winner after Gerrard and Rooney wilted under intense questioning from host Jeremy Paxman during the debate.

Ferdinand, in contrast to his rivals, maintained his legendary composure – often turning defence into attack – throughout the 90-minute contest, which was triggered by the vote of no confidence in former leader John Terry.

The Manchester United defender must still negotiate two further contests but analysts were unanimous in their verdict that he is now in pole position to land the still vacant job of leading England to the World Cup in South Africa this summer.

“Rooney and Gerrard took a battering,” one journalist told Sporting Balls.

“But Rio was at his unflappable best. Ultimately, he came across as ‘more human’ than the candidates. And that pledge to win the World Cup within months was inspired and a real vote winner.”

Rooney, who had gained momentum in recent weeks, betrayed his inexperience by making a ‘devastating’ tactical error on the night.

The Manchester United forward admitted he ‘deeply regretted’ his decision to go for a late chicken vindaloo prior to filming after he began to sweat profusely under the intense studio lighting and a severe grilling from Paxman.

His detour to the curry house also meant that he missed his five-hour make-up session. And analysts suggested the effect on television audiences would at best be unease with his calmness under pressure and at worst a ‘nauseous repulsion’.

Gerrard did not fair much better in the spotlight. Experts said his body language – shuffling around like a five-year-old who needs a piss and staring at his feet – would fail to inspire confidence in the voters.

Doubts were raised over the scouser’s ability motivate his players with Churchillian oratory.

The Liverpool skipper also came under pressure for his ‘bar room brawl diplomacy’. And he was heckled for being un-patriotic and ‘talking down’ England’s prospects of winning the World Cup after he mocked Ferdinand for ‘making promises he could not deliver’.

Ferdinand’s evening was not without awkward moments. The United defender, wearing an Armani suit and diamond-studs earrings, was twice caught day-dreaming – staring into the ceiling lights and humming the Neighbours theme tune.

On the second occasion a furious Paxman finally lost his temper. The Newsnight host knelt down, seized his size 12 shoe and hurled it at the England international – yelling ‘you dopey f**king c**t’ as the shoe flew through the air.

But Ferdinand dodged the sharp Italian-styled missile and responded by insisting he had not taken any illegal substances and that his previous ban was for ‘missing a test and nothing more’.

The next debate will be chaired by Piers Morgan in a fortnight’s time, while the live final will be hosted by Simon Cowell and include music from Cheryl Cole and the M Peope before the final vote.

* This story was constructed from 100% fiction.

Critics slam Rooney’s scriptwriter for ‘obvious’ plot

Critics and football goers have slammed Wayne Rooney’s scriptwriter for an ‘obvious, overly contrived and merciless’ plot twist in the Manchester United and England striker’s quest to win the World Cup.

With just 70 days to go before the showpiece event in South Africa, Rooney went down with an ankle injury in the Champions League quarter-final match against Bayern Munich on Wednesday.

The development has injected tension, intrigue and drama into the Rooney saga as he hobbles around on crutches, awaits the latest medical bulletins and faces a potential race against time for fitness and form to fulfil his World Cup destiny.

“Oh come on,” said one football goer. “It is the most obvious and contrived story line since Titanic.

“We have all been saying for the last three months, ‘wouldn’t it be a disaster if Rooney were injured before the World Cup’. And they go and do it.

“It is not even remotely original. They did it in 2006 and we all remember what happened then. They tried to do too much – Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney struggling for fitness, a quarter-final date with destiny against bitter rivals Portugal, who had beaten us two years before, led by arch-nemesis and villain Ronaldo and obviously penalties. And they just could not pull it off and it back-fired spectacularly.”

But Rooney’s scriptwriter – also the author of Flintoff’s Ashes – responded by insisting it would have been implausible not to have crippled the star.

“The narrative was becoming boring, dull and tedious – he was scoring shit loads of goals and being touted as one of the best in the world. It was all far too obvious!”

However, critics have accused the writers of ruthlessly ‘toying with fans’ emotions’ as thousands of supporters plummet from dizzying hope and expectation to dangerously low levels of despair.

The musical score has also come in for heavy criticism as the writers were accused of giving the events the ‘X-factor treatment’.

Emotive music blared out of the stadium’s sound system – just in case any fans were unaware of the significance of the situation, unable to form their own emotions or, worse, intent on making their own judgements – as Rooney collapsed into a heap in slow-motion and medical staff scramble to reach their fallen star.

*This story was constructed almost entirely from fiction

Rooney: It really is this easy

Manchester United and England star Wayne Rooney has denied rumours that his formidable form this season is down to hard work and dedication, insisting ‘it really is just a piece of piss’.

The 24-year-old striker has been in top form this season – scoring a shit-load of goals and being touted as one of the finest players in the world.

But asked if his was down to hours of hard work, dedication and commitment on the training ground, Rooney said: “No. It really is just a piece of piss.

“I get up late, have a fry-up, rock up to training mid-morning, play a bit of world cup willy, grab some chips and beans from the canteen and go home to have a nap in front of Neighbours and Home and Away.

“In the afternoon I play Pro Ev and Champ manager before Coleen comes home to make my tea.

“Saturdays are a bit different. I get to have a longer lie-in, then its off to Old Trafford for a 90-minute kick-about. I’ll score a hat-trick or so, practise my goal celebrations, try and burn off my mid-morning pizza and take the match ball home whilst tens of thousands of people chant my name and shower praise upon me.

“It’s that easy. I don’t know what all the fuss is about.”

Asked about the influence of his team-mates and whether his success was merely a product of their skill and selflessness, Rooney responded: “Not really. I could do it on my own and frequently have this season.

“Ronaldo did it last season and when he left the gaffer made us draw straws to see who would have to carry the team this season and be the star player who everyone focuses on and hails as some kind of Messiah. Turned out, it was me.”

Rooney’ manager at club level, Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson, denied that the coaches had any ifluence on the players development.

“No its all down to him,” Ferguson said. “He has a god-given talent and no matter what we tell him, we cannot ruin that.”

“I would like to say that it is all down to hard work, drive, determination and passion. But its not. it down to luck.

“And I would say to any young player out there who thinks that hard work and dedication on the training ground can reap its reward on the pitch – don’t bother, don’t waste your time. You either have it or you don’t and if you have to think about whether you have it, you don’t have it.”

* This story is constructed almost entirely from fiction – guaranteed!

News: Rooney reveals secret behind form

Manchester United and England forward Wayne Rooney has revealed the secret behind his supreme run of form this season – he has learnt how to count to ten.

The 23-year-old striker insists his high-profile disciplinary problems are now in the past after seeing a specialist who has taught him the numbers from six to ten – thus allowing him to control his temper.

“The gaffer kept telling me to count to 10 when someone annoyed me on the pitch, and I tried so hard,” Rooney confessed.

“But when I got up to seven, I didn’t know what came next. Was it nine, ten, seventeen? It made me so f**king mad! I just had to stamp on someone’s balls or kick them in the crotch.

“Then one day, the gaffer sat me down with my agent, close family and hangers-on and said I had a problem and that I needed to see someone… professionally. I told them I’m no head case and there was no need. But he insisted and he set me up with an edulacationalist who specialises in numbers and stuff.

“I see him once a week and we go over things, work on my counting, and stuff and its good.

“He’s shown me some great te.. tec.. techni… he’s shown me some cool stuff like using your fingers and toes to count. It’s hard though, when you’re playing cos, you cant see your toes. And that’s why I don’t use gloves anymore. I’m not stupid.”

Rooney also credits fatherhood – his wife Coleen gave birth to a human baby last year, which led to speculation and allegations in the national press – for giving him a new level of maturity and greater perspective on life.

“I’m loving being a father. Coleen keeps complaining about all the burping, dribbling and fixation with her breasts but I’m getting better – I have to now, I’m a dad after all.”

* This story is manufactured from 100% fiction

TWEET OF THE WEEK: Wayne’s world

WAZZA@WAYNESWORLD.CO.UK

“Wazzap! Played some footy last night with some lads in Italy. They were big lads and well old and one of them used to play for our crew before booted him out! Anyway we kicked their arses. Col is gonna make me chips and beans to celebrate!”