Posts tagged ‘Steven Gerrard’

June 4, 2010

Liverpool Blow Budget On ‘Transfer Coup’

Bill Hack Chief football correspondent

Liverpool are today celebrating a “massive transfer coup” after blowing their entire transfer budget on £6million man Rafa Benitez – in what the club are hailing as the ‘severance of the season’.

Benitez was sacked yesterday after one of moment of magic – winning the 2005 Champions League Final – and six years of mediocrity as Liverpool manager.

The “massive transfer coup” cost a staggering £6million – the entirety of Liverpool’s summer spending budget – and the club confirmed they would not be making any more signings or sackings this year.

But the club declared it was more than satisfied with their summer business, describing it as “one of the great severances of recent times”.

“It is entirely true we have no money left,” a club spokesman told SportingBalls. “I could not even lend you a fiver.

“In fact, we didn’t have the money before making this gamble, but sometimes an opportunity presents itself and you just have to take it.

“It is a great piece of business for the club and supporters should excited by what it will bring to the team.

“Six million is an astonishingly good figure for such a massive transfer coup and people are going to look back on this as one of the great severance of recent times.

“The bloke ate six millions worth per season at the post match buffet.”

Liverpool assured anxious fans that they would talk to some of the “best managers” in the game, before appointing the cheapest and easiest option Kenny Dalglish.

With the club demanding a thrifty individual who is accustomed to penny-pinching, the Scottish-scouse fits the bill perfectly.

Star player Steven Gerrard admitted Benitez’s departure could be a “massive weight off” with the former manager having insisted on him carrying the team for the past five seasons as penance for beating him at chess in 2005.

Benitez is said to be considering hanging up his joke-shop goatee and glasses and going back to his routes – around Europe as a lorry driver importing and exporting vegetables.

* This story is constructed from fiction

April 16, 2010

Ferdinand triumphs in first debate

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

Rio Ferdinand is overwhelming favourite to be named England captain for the World Cup after ‘battering’ his rivals Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney in the live leadership debate aired last night.

Pundits immediately proclaimed Ferdinand as the winner after Gerrard and Rooney wilted under intense questioning from host Jeremy Paxman during the debate.

Ferdinand, in contrast to his rivals, maintained his legendary composure – often turning defence into attack – throughout the 90-minute contest, which was triggered by the vote of no confidence in former leader John Terry.

The Manchester United defender must still negotiate two further contests but analysts were unanimous in their verdict that he is now in pole position to land the still vacant job of leading England to the World Cup in South Africa this summer.

“Rooney and Gerrard took a battering,” one journalist told Sporting Balls.

“But Rio was at his unflappable best. Ultimately, he came across as ‘more human’ than the candidates. And that pledge to win the World Cup within months was inspired and a real vote winner.”

Rooney, who had gained momentum in recent weeks, betrayed his inexperience by making a ‘devastating’ tactical error on the night.

The Manchester United forward admitted he ‘deeply regretted’ his decision to go for a late chicken vindaloo prior to filming after he began to sweat profusely under the intense studio lighting and a severe grilling from Paxman.

His detour to the curry house also meant that he missed his five-hour make-up session. And analysts suggested the effect on television audiences would at best be unease with his calmness under pressure and at worst a ‘nauseous repulsion’.

Gerrard did not fair much better in the spotlight. Experts said his body language – shuffling around like a five-year-old who needs a piss and staring at his feet – would fail to inspire confidence in the voters.

Doubts were raised over the scouser’s ability motivate his players with Churchillian oratory.

The Liverpool skipper also came under pressure for his ‘bar room brawl diplomacy’. And he was heckled for being un-patriotic and ‘talking down’ England’s prospects of winning the World Cup after he mocked Ferdinand for ‘making promises he could not deliver’.

Ferdinand’s evening was not without awkward moments. The United defender, wearing an Armani suit and diamond-studs earrings, was twice caught day-dreaming – staring into the ceiling lights and humming the Neighbours theme tune.

On the second occasion a furious Paxman finally lost his temper. The Newsnight host knelt down, seized his size 12 shoe and hurled it at the England international – yelling ‘you dopey f**king c**t’ as the shoe flew through the air.

But Ferdinand dodged the sharp Italian-styled missile and responded by insisting he had not taken any illegal substances and that his previous ban was for ‘missing a test and nothing more’.

The next debate will be chaired by Piers Morgan in a fortnight’s time, while the live final will be hosted by Simon Cowell and include music from Cheryl Cole and the M Peope before the final vote.

* This story was constructed from 100% fiction.