Cameron: “I understand why people are pissed off at outsiders coming in and taking all our jobs”

Married 57-year-old remains confused about sexuality

Liverpool squatter joins ownership race

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

The battle for ownership of Liverpool football club has intensified after stadium burger seller and long-time Anfield resident Terry George launched a bid for the club under squatter’s rights.

American owners Tom Hicks and George Gillette are currently considering an offer from a billionaire Chinese businessman, which could wipe out the club’s debts and transform them into one of the richest teams in the world.

But the deal potentially worth £350milllion could be scuppered by a claim from 78-year-old Mr George, who has lived in the stadium for the last 60 years.

Mr George has filed a claim under squatter’s rights convention and hopes to take control of the world-famous club in time for the new Premier League season.

Although, he refused to speculate on how much money would be available for manager Roy Hodgson to invest in the playing squad, Mr George did insist no expense would be spared in building new toilets at the Kop End immediately.

“I’ve been coming to Anfield since I were a young lad,” Mr George told SportingBalls.

“Then one day after a game against United I got lost in all the crowds, you cold say I drowned in a sea of people. I couldn’t find my Dad or the way out. By the time I found the exit it was all locked up. So I settled down in a storeroom and have live there ever since.

“Of course it was upsetting losing my family like that but I never had to pay for a ticket ever again.”

He continued: “After a couple of years, I thought it was time to get a job and I’ve slipping burgers at ‘Terry’s half-time tucker’ for nearly 58 years now.

“The close season is always a bit of a slog. But there is a big gang of us who live in the stadium – some of the merchandise sellers, the groundsmen and even Kenny Dalglish. And we have some cracking 10v10 matches under the floodlights when the crowds have gone home.

“It’ll be a bit of a jump from burger seller to club owner but I’ve missed out on a few promotions over the years and I guess this is the reward.”

Former Liverpool ballboy Steve Journeyman said: “That’s what the fans want, one of their own running the club.

“He may not have the money to buy superstars or even Paul Konchesky but he is Liverpool through-and-through and that is what the fans want. We don’t need billions of pounds to compete with the best teams in Europe. We need passion. Brilliant!”

Clubs braced for transfer lottery draw

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

Premier League clubs are bracing themselves for the annual transfer-linking lottery draw on Tuesday night.

The event, run by the British tabloid press, will see teams and players drawn together in a completely random manner, leading to an avalanche of transfer speculation and rumour.

Although the results are based on nothing more than the luck of draw, managers nervously anticipate any shock ties or extremely lucky  direct hits, which can send prices soaring.

This year’s draw will mark 20 days to go before the start of the new season.

“It certainly is a nervous time of the year,” said one Premier League manager. “There’s always a chance, however remote, that we get linked to a genuine target and that is disastrous for us because the price goes soaring.”

But the tabloids emphasised the benefits of the system that has been operating for more than  half a century.

“The great thing is that it’s a complete lottery,” said a spokesperson from the tabloid press.

“Its not based on fact or anything – just simple chance. There is so much less work to do. Brilliant.

“Of course they are never going to happen but it gives the papers something to say and sell, the fans something to dream about over the long hard summer, and the players and agents something to grow their modest egos with.”

Despite the entirely random nature of the draw, very occasionally the draw prompts a genuine transfer.

In 2006 fans across the globe were surprised when Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano were drawn together with West Ham and then stunned when the two world class performers went on to sign for the struggling Hammers.

This year’s event is later than normal due to the World Cup in South Africa.

The quadrennial tournament meant that a number of the world’s best players and top transfer-linking personalities took an extended holiday – preventing them from being linked.

The event had to be further postponed as England’s abject performance in the tournament put off the fans for a few days.

* This story is 100% fiction

Balls-up

Just as the summer of sport was reaching its crescendo with the World Cup final and the British Open, the SportingBalls team went on holiday!

But they’ll be back soon.

Stevie G vs Jay-T: The Next Episode

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

Jay-T, the footballer formerly known as John Terry, has indicated his willingness to end his feud with bitter rival Stevie G – but the scouse scrapper has rejected his offer of peace.

The bad blood between two of the business’s biggest players has rocked English football and split the nation after Jay-T undermined Stevie G’s status as head of the England crew.

The feud broke out in the middle of England’s World Cup campaign, splitting camp into factions despite team-mate Aaron Lennon’s plea to “give peace a chance”.

Jay-T told SportingBalls: “If Stevie G, wants to come to me, and plead insanity, then we’ll see.

“But if not, then ya know, fuck it! Nuff said – I’ll chuck him down the old apple and pears.”

However, the Cockney Rhymer’s willingness to talk was not matched by Stevie .

He said: “I’ll bery the hatchet mate – right in his back!

“I’d rather die than make up with him…. But don’t tell him dat. He’s got some nasty mates.”

Big Wayne, Cashley C, Shaun “double-barrelled” and the ironically named Li’l PC all sided with Stevie G when the row erupted prior to 1-0 victory over Slovenia in South Africa.

Jay-T’s latest album Life After Death is released next week as a follow up to his hugely successful Blueprint albums.

The feud with former collaborator Stevie G, born Steven George Gerrard, is the latest in a long line of controversies surrounding Jay-T, who has one of the most feared tackles in the game.

Earlier this year he fell out with former best mate Wayne Bridge following an incident with Terry, Bridge’s former girlfriend, a former table and a former unbreakable bond.

* This story is unfortunately not true.

Non-Believers Question Existence Of Messi

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

Non-believers across the globe have united in questioning the existence of Messi after Argentina’s disappointing exit from the World Cup finals in South Africa.

Argentina lost 4-0 to Germany in the quarter-finals throwing  millions into a crisis of faith and forcing them to re-evaluate their belief in the ‘Messi-ah’ – as he has been dubbed.

Prior to the match, Argentina manager Diego Maradona – who has form for claiming to be of divine heritage – was once again charged with “playing God” as he announced Messi would start the game.

But the long-haired artist, who claims to have divine powers and the ability to bring joy to millions, made little impact on proceedings – leading many to question whether he ever existed.

“This has just proven my theory that it was all a hoax,” said professor Richard Dawkins. “A Messi delusion if you must.

“The ‘existence’ of this ‘supernatural creator’ that can dribble round dense and organised 21st century defences at will and bring the nation of Germany to its knees – it was all pure fantasy.

“This myth was perpetuated by the marketing men and agents who stand to profit from millions of people literally buying into this fantasy. Its simply untrue.”

But staunch Messi-followers insist that He does exist and He continues to bring joy and inspirations to millions.

They sight his earlier work in the group stages when He was said to have performed miracles in South Africa.

* These words are almost certainly a work of fiction.

Sorry Roy No Money Left – Rafa

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

New Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson has revealed that his predecessor Rafa Benitez left him a note reading “Sorry Roy, no money, no prospects and no hope left”.

Hodgson was officially unveiled as Liverpool’s new manager on Thursday – succeeding Benitez who left the club by mutual dissent before being appointed as Inter Milan boss.

After taking his first days training, the former Fulham boss retired to his office to discover a note from Benitez detailing the extent of the situation at Anfield.

Benitez later denied it was intended to be a private joke – instead insisting it was a rigorous and honest assessment of the club’s situation.

Hodgson said: “When I arrived at my desk I found a letter from the former manager Rafael Benitez. I thought it would offer me some advice on managing such a great club.

“Unfortunately, when I opened it, it was a one-sentence letter which simply said: ‘Dear new manager, I’m afraid to tell you there’s no money left and come to think of it there are no prospects or hope left either,’ which was honest but slightly less helpful advice than I had been expecting.”

Hodgson’s arrival was the second major piece of transfer activity for the club this summer after successfully sacking Benitez for a “bargain” £6million.

It is tradition for departing managers to leave notes to their successors.

When Steve McClaren was sacked from his role as England manager he left a scribbled note that read “sorry for the massive balls up – p.s. don’t trust any of the goalkeepers” before fleeing to Holland.

While Benitez himself received a note from Jose Mourinho when he replaced the new Real Madrid manager at Inter.

Mourinho’s note simply read: “Dear Substitute, Enjoy your sloppy seconds. PS I am going to take all your players.”

Golden Generation Plummets in Value

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

Experts have confirmed that England’s ‘golden generation’ has lost 93.6% of its value over the past two weeks.

The rapid depreciation comes after world renowned experts gathered in South Africa to value national collections from every country.

The result was devastating for England as they left embarrassed after their collection was exposed as ‘mock gold or bronze at best’.

Prized asset, Manchester United’s Wayne Rooney, who had been touted as one of the most precious and expensive jewels in the world was exposed as a sham and is now worth just £30.12 per kilo.

The FA had hope to sell off the national gold reserve but there have been no bidders as yet – forcing England manager Don Fabio Capello to explore other options.

So disillusioned was Don Fabio by Shaun Wright-Philips’ performances during the tournament, that the Italian immediately stuffed the Manchester City winger into an A4 envelope on his return to England and sent him off to Cash for Gold.

To his delight, Capello received a pencil sharpener and novelty key rings four days later.

Phone-in Callers Refuse To Comment

Bill Hack chief football correspondent

England fans across the country have bombarded radio phone-in shows refusing to comment on England’s World Cup exit.

Don Fabio Capello’s team were defeated 4-1 by bitter rivals Germany in the last-16 round on Sunday – a result that shocked the nation and led to deep soul searching.

But England fans refused roll out the familiar cliches and react in kneejerk fashion, instead taking a typically thoughtful and modest approach.

“I’m no expert and have no answers,” said one caller.

“Obviously this is very disappointing. But, after a performance that fell so short of expectations, it is essential to analyse this properly and come to the correct conclusions, however long it takes.

“It would be inappropriate for me to comment for on this matter as I would only be churning out drivel on issues I have little or no practical experience.”

Despite being pressed by the host, the caller insisted he had no further comment to make and ‘could they please stop ringing his house’.

Photo: BBC Sport

* This post is based almost entirely on fiction.