June 2006 - WAGs gathered for World Cup announcement
Bill Hack Chief football correspondent
WAGs from across the country will gather in Trafalgar Square this Sunday to hear England manager Don Fabio Capello announce their World Cup fate.
The England boss will name his squad for the World Cup finals on a giant screen as WAGs, from c-z list, descend on the nation’s capital.
The WAGs will then desperately negotiate with their football partners for a place on the plane to South Africa – with all types favours thought to be on the table.
Competition for place this year will be especially fraught with Don Fabio attempting to usher in a new WORG era where players take ‘Wife Or Girlfriend’ rather than both.
Don Fabio had hoped to inform the World Cup hopefuls face-to-face but that was deemed ‘unrealistic’ due to the ‘logistical issues of talking to thousands of hopefuls’.
“It is hugely regrettable that we can’s speak to them on an individual basis,” said an FA spokesperson. “It is the biggest moment in their careers.
“Success at the World Cup can transform a career. It can lift them from the gossip pages to front page, from Nuts to FHM, from the Daily Sport to the Sun. That’s what’s at stake here!”
The WAGs – some with more dubious claims than others – are expected to ‘crawl out from everywhere’ and gather on Saturday night to ensure a place in the square.
The police and security services have been preparing for the event for the past month and have promised to keep a ‘muscular and ruthless’ control of the situation.
With ‘bitch battles’ rated as ‘unavoidable’, riot police and water cannons will set up a perimeter around square to ensure any such violence does not spread into the rest of central London and cause danger to the general public.
“We don’t want a repeat of the 2006 riots,” said a suddering policeman.
In 2006 all the big players made the cut with Beckham, Cole and Rooney all making the plane, but there could be a number of shocks this year.
Cole and Beckham have already been ruled out, but their absence could create an opportunity for an up and coming WAG.
Crucially, though, the ‘talismanic’ Rooney will travel as she carries the hopes and aspirations of the Chav nation.
“Yes it is a blow to be without such experience,” said Don Fabio. “But there is now an opportunity for someone to make a name for themselves on the global stage and take South Africa by storm.”
* This story is constructed almost entirely from fiction.
SPORTING BALLS 